I was diagnosed with an eating disorder – anorexia nervosa – when I was 16 years old and in my final year of high school.
I can’t pinpoint an actual time when it started. But you could say that from age seven, I began taking notice of people’s comments about my weight. At 11 years old, I remember thinking that feeling hungry was a real win. By the end of year six, I was aware of how I looked compared to other people around me. In my head, I was a little bit chubby.
I also recall stepping on the scales to see a number that felt quite high, before being told by a known onlooker that they'd help to ‘fix’ my weight issue. That notion of ‘having to be fixed’ really got into my head. I thought: ‘that’s not happening. No one else is going to help me with this. I will sort it out myself.’
By age 14, I had an eating disorder.
At the time, I was one of the few Indian kids at a very white high school and felt surrounded by a cultural stigma. The cultural stereotype dictated that being of Indian background meant that I should be quite academic. But I didn’t fit that label.
Varsha Yajman: "I became obsessed with counting every calorie I ate and wasn’t able to go out a lot because I knew I couldn’t weigh my food in public." Source: Supplied
I said: ‘if I can’t get the best grades then maybe I can fit in another way?’ I'm not sure when the exact moment happened, but I equated being skinny with beauty and all of the aspirational ideals of how it might feel to fit in socially.
I actively restricted the food I ate and adopted strict rules about what I could and couldn’t eat. I became obsessed with counting every calorie I ate and wasn’t able to go out a lot because I knew I couldn’t weigh or control my food in public. My thoughts and conversations were only ever about food.
I was in a very toxic place.
Eating disorders through a cultural lens
Over the years that followed, I became completely immersed in my eating disorder.
Throughout year 12, it felt like my grades were awful. I just couldn’t concentrate, with numbers blurring on the page in my maths exam. I lost my menstrual period for some time. I was always so physically exhausted and sick. But more than the physical symptoms, it was the mental exhaustion and feeling of isolation that was most difficult.
In a sense, I became trapped by my eating disorder. I didn't know how to get out of the cycle I was in. I was just a complete mess.
An eating disorder is not caused by simply refusing to eat... an eating disorder is a serious and complicated mental health issue that affects people from all walks of life.
My family tried to help me. But as a child of an Indian immigrant, there were cultural barriers which made conversations around eating disorders uncommon and difficult.
I felt a lot of guilt and shame around my eating disorder, with people saying things like ‘there's a lot of kids back home in India who don't have food and you're lucky enough to have food. So you should eat.’
My GP, who was also South Asian, was reluctant to diagnose me because he said a label of anorexia would go on my record and future employers may not hire me. When I saw a dietician, the response was ‘here’s a list of foods you should eat’. None of that was helpful. I felt the attitude was ‘just eat and then you won’t have an eating disorder’. Well, it’s not that simple.
An eating disorder is not caused by a refusal to eat. It’s not a cry for attention or a lifestyle choice. An eating disorder is a serious and complicated mental health issue that affects people from all walks of life – including first-generation children of South Asian immigrants like me.
Varsha Yajman believes South Asian stereotypes and familial stances on mental health contributed to fuelling her eating disorder. Source: Photo by Brett Morgan and Zebedee Parkes
A journey to health
I didn’t get a lot of the help I needed from the medical profession, so I turned to support from online resources like those on the Butterfly Foundation's website.
I had reached a point where I was so exhausted by my eating disorder that I just couldn’t do it any longer. Towards the end of year 12, after I received my diagnosis, I started my own healing journey with the support of my mum.
I am now 20 and am still healing. I’ve experienced days that are great and moments where it's been really difficult. But I've always been lucky enough to have the support of my mum. Over time, through the difficult conversations, we've learned a lot about the complexities of my specific eating disorder, and how these conversations about mental health can assist in healing.
I know that I want to live, not just survive. That can only happen if I eat.
I now feel like I am in a strong place. I have a greater sense of mental stability. I know that I want to live, not just survive. That can only happen if I eat.
Before, I was never open to trying new foods. Now, I am. I used to feel stressed out by going to people’s birthday dinners. Now, it feels less stressful and simply, I just want to be able to go and enjoy myself.
Today, I enjoy my mum’s curries and peanut laddu – an Indian sweet. I love cooking, but for the longest time, I never ate what I made. I am now able to eat the cakes that I bake.
It's all of those little things that have really improved my quality of life. Healing is not easy. Healing is not linear. But it is so worth it.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with disordered eating, please contact the at 1800 33 4673 or . Or, if you or someone you know needs support, please contact on 13 11 14, Beyond Blue on 1300 225 636 or Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800.
