No couples set out for failure when they get married. But the isolation and lockdown caused by COVID-19 may intensify domestic life, especially where gender inequality is involved, according to Relationships Australia Victoria’s general manager of clinical services, Anastasia Panayiotidis
Panayiotidis says cracks in marriages are more likely to surface and erupt during COVID-19, reaching a breakdown and sometimes even escalating into violence.
“It’s really really important for anyone in that situation to call 1800RESPECT, to call 000 if there is a life and death situation happening in an extreme situation.”
Legal Aid NSW’s solicitor in refugee services and family law Florence Cruz Montalvo is also noticing more couples choosing to split in this pandemic.
“Because there has been an increase in relationship breakdowns, there’s also been an increase in people trying to find alternative accommodation so there is that flow on effect. The difficulty is trying to physically separate especially during COVID-19 where some people don’t feel comfortable actually going out and checking properties.”
Montalvo says for parents who are sharing parenting responsibilities, it’s worth coming up with an isolation plan in case your health situation changes amid outbreaks.
“To outline if I am infected or if I am suspected of an infection or if there is another issue that happens during this time, this is what’s going to happen. It’s very important for parents to understand that if you have the virus or if you are suspected of having the virus that isolation is mandatory.”
A recent Real Cost of Separation report by Real Insurance reveals that Australians spend as much as $45 million per year on divorce and application fees and a hefty $3.7 billion dollars on legal bills.
Panayiotidis recommends anybody separating seek mediation to avoid exorbitant legal fees.
“The fees are astronomical. One day in court could be in the thousands by the time lawyers are paid out and barristers. Mediation is an incredible intervention and not just it will save you a lot of heartache and a lot of money in the end of the day.”
Panayiotidis says even though mediation doesn’t work in very high conflict situations, where there is a lot of acrimony or extreme family violence, it is still beneficial in more amicable separations.
“I highly recommend the couples who are separating, attend mediation to help them solve their separation issue and help them organise the arrangements there and contact with their children, property settlement, their money, shared asset, car.”
Whilst ending a marriage is a major life decision, the report also shows that 90 per cent of separated or divorced Australians have become more emotionally resilient and adapted after the split.
Montalvo says the expenses of starting a new life is a major concern for many considering separation.
The report also shows that just over half of separating couples were worried about the financial implications of the split.
According to Montalvo, the decision is often about assessing whether you can financially afford to leave the relationship.
“If you are moving out, you need to think about the rental accommodation that you are moving out if that’s what you are going to be doing. You would need to have a bond - that could easily be $1600. You’d need to look at the rent. Are you able to pay the rent?”
If you are under financial difficulty, Montalvo suggests speaking to Centrelink to identify your eligibility for rent assistance or contacting your local housing service for options.
Montalvo says some parents are experiencing more stress in facilitating co-parenting arrangements amid the ever-changing public health restrictions.
“When those restrictions were first implemented under the public health order, staying in the park or meeting at the shop was not possible and that affected parenting arrangements. With restrictions easing, these issues become less and less of an issue, but some parents are still uncomfortable with the idea of their children being out in public space because of COVID-19. It’s a matter of being able to reach a middle ground with the other parent.”
Montalvo says the likelihood of social restrictions based on distance may also influence where parents choose to live following a separation.
“For people who are using public transport, you need to be mindful of that because there are capacity limits with buses and with trains, that can be a bit difficult to go out to see your child if you’ve moved a few suburbs out or if the other parent has moved a few suburbs out.”
She says the real challenge is when one parent moves to another state or territory with the children. Those with parenting orders that allow you to spend time with your children may be exempt from border restrictions depending on the policy of the particular state or territory.
“For parents who have recently separated - it’s very unlikely they will have parenting orders in place. If all you have is an informal arrangement, then it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to cross the border. If there are border restrictions in place so in those situations physical time may be impossible at present. So thinking about having video chat and facilitating that time frequently may be a good substitute in the meantime.”
Two-thirds of Australians who have left their partners say the mental and emotional toll was the hardest part of the separation.
Panayiotidis strongly encourages those undergoing significant stress to seek professional support as the idea of family loyalty can be divided and not necessarily at the best interest of individuals.
“Sometimes there is actually good reasons for separation that there may be family violence or some other reasons where the family or the couple are deeply and deeply unhappy with each other and unbearable together.”
She says when a marriage is just not working sometimes it’s important to overcome the cultural imperatives to save one’s life or to put one’s own safety and life first to get out of a situation which is causing anxiety, depression and loneliness.
“People who are traumatised may be not sleeping properly, not eating properly and are high levels of stress and in a very reactive state because there’s so much hurt involved through the breakdown of the relationship, the abandonment.”
Montalvo says in these strange and stressful times, failure to reach out and get counselling can have unintended consequences on your ability to look after your children.
Drawing on research findings that show almost six-in-10 couples are concerned about the impact on children when a marriage ends, psychologist Dr Andrew Fuller says parents need to treat their children’s other parent with some respect irrespective of circumstances.
“If you treat the other parent well as a person, your kids are probably going to be fine. It’s when we get trapped in a world of blame and explaining why who was at fault and so on - the kids feel torn. It’s when basically we reassure them, love them, and at least treat the other person with some degree of respect that they will also learn to respect not only you as a person but also your ex-partner.”
As unsettling as things can be when a relationship changes, Dr Fuller says the closure is also a chance to reinvent who you are.
“That reinvention can partly be a return to what’s important to you and what are your values and that can sometimes prepare you better for relationships. So sadly the loss of a relationship can teach us a lot about what we do want and do value in future relationships. So the aim of it really is to allow ourselves to try to heal of course but also the space in which to reinvent who we are and what we want".
For counselling and advice, call 1300 364 277 to be connected to your local Relationships Australia office.
For legal advice, contact your local Legal Aid service.
If you are experiencing family violence, call 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for advice and support.
If your life is in immediate danger, call 000 now.
For language support, call the national Translating and Interpreting service in 13 14 50 and ask to be connected to your designated organisation.
