'Don't forget I love you': Francis left family, job in Philippines to take care of mum with dementia

When Francis received a call from a doctor to tell him his mum Lilay had dementia, he had no hesitation flying to Australia to be by her side. Three years on, he says his love for his mum trumps the challenges of being a full-time carer.

Francis Pormento [R] and his mum Lilay Source: Francis Pormento

Highlights

Francis left behind a family, a stable job and a whole life in the Philippines to take care of his ailing mum in Australia.
Guardianship of his mother proved to be challenging due to his visa status.
His love for his mum trumps the challenges brought about by her dementia.

Carer’s Diaries is a podcast series featuring the stories of caregivers in Australia who have dedicated their lives to helping care for others. The series also highlights the unique challenges they face and the pivotal moments that defined the unique path they’ve decided to undertake.

Fifty-five-year-old Francis Pormento had a whole life of his own in the Philippines, including a family and a job of two decades. However, he gave it up to take care of the woman whose whole life once revolved around him - his mother, 92-year-old Eunila "Lilay" Lipio.

"If I didn't fly to Australia to take care of mum, I was sure she wouldn't have much time left. She needs me."

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Carer's diaries: Son makes difficult decision to leave family in the Philippines behind to take care of mum with dementia
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15/10/202110:57

September 2018

"My father wasn't around even when I was young." Source: Francis Pormento

An only child, Francis grew up with his grandparents in Nonoc Island, Surigao, while Lilay worked hard to earn money in Manila.

"Life was hard; but she always sent money for my schooling and whatever I needed. There were several farming lands pawned to my mother as well, so we never ran out of food to eat. I also learned how to till the land.

"Mum was away, but I was lucky to be raised by my grandparents."

Francis Pormento Source: Francis Pormento

Francis was grateful for the grandparents who raised him and the mum who had to be away to support him.

"All of us will die. I took care of my dying grandfather. I'm taking care of mum now. Whatever I gave my grandparents in their final days, I will give the same to my mum."

Francis admitted that when he visited her in Australia in 2017, he noticed that she was already becoming forgetful.

Lilay Lipio Source: Francis Pormento

"In 2018, I received a call from her specialist - a doctor from Blacktown. He told me if I could fly to Australia to take care of mum. He said she was repetitive when it came to answering questions and that there was one time that she forgot that she was making rice and the house nearly burned down.

"I didn't hesitate. I was going to fly to be with mum."

November 2018

"Mum...mum's in the hospital." Source: Francis Pormento

Flying to be with his mum meant leaving behind a wife and daughter and a 22-year position as a plant mechanic in Bulacan.

Francis and his family Source: Francis Pormento

Although torn between his obligations as head-of-the-family and son, Francis chose to fly to Sydney, scouring the foreign city for the hospital his mother was brought to.

"No one picked me up. I didn't know which hospital she was in or how to get there. All I wanted to do was pick mum up and bring her home."

Unfortunately, the process wasn't as easy as he hoped. Francis was on a tourist visa, and therefore, ineligible to be his mother's guardian.

Francis was on a tourist visa, and therefore, ineligible to be his mother's guardian. Source: Francis Pormento

"I left my wife and daughter to be with mum and now I couldn't even do that. I just left everything up to God," Francis admits.

"Despite all the roadblocks, though, what I knew for certain was that I wasn't going to leave mum."

December 2018: The Guardianship Tribunal

Francis stood by his mum through the Guardianship Tribunal which saw the court deciding on who should take care of Lilay now that she can no longer take care of herself or make her own decisions.

Because Francis didn't have the proper visa or power of attorney, accessing Lilay's Centrelink and other medical benefits proved difficult.

Despite the difficulties, Francis was granted a bridging visa in December 2018 and the court appointed him as Lilay's legal guardian for a year. After a year, the second hearing saw Francis being granted indefinite legal guardianship of his mum.

March 2020

"It's not enough, but we have to bear it." Source: Francis Pormento

While Francis celebrated the win, the pandemic put a damper on his plans to bring his wife and daughter to Australia.

"It's been hard. I'm torn. I'm here, but I'm also there. I think about my family all the time. I worry about my wife as well because she has hyperthyroidism, but I know I can't leave mum.

"It's been hard. I'm torn. I'm here, but I'm also there. I think about my family all the time." Source: Francis Pormento

"Every time I talk with my family, we just say that we need to sacrifice a bit more. We just need to be positive that we'll be together again someday."

His worries don't end with his wife and mum's ailments. Francis' unease also stems from finding ways to finance their everyday needs.

"I do the budgeting. I need to make sure mum has all her medications. That's my first priority but, I also need to make sure we have food to eat. I'm embarrassed to ask for help, but I'm so grateful to my friends and to the community for being so generous."

Mother and son Source: Francis Pormento

"My friends tell me where food is being given for free and I line up to make sure we have food to eat that day," Francis shares, adding, "I didn't have a car before, so a friend gave me a bike to use. I use the bike to pick up all our necessities. No wants for us right now. It's just all about what we need to survive."

Surviving for Lilay means Francis taking care of her 24/7.

Francis admits that although he has his moments of sadness and frustration, he's thankful to wake up to another day of being with his mum.

"When I wake up, I make mum her food. I make sure she has her breakfast before 8am.

"There's nothing much to do during the day. Sometimes I just listen to music with her. She sings. I dance. That's how we have fun.

"Even back home, mum loved to sing. We would go to appliance centres back home and she would always go directly to the karaoke machine and sing. I'd try to move away because it was embarrassing," Francis laughs.

He admits that his mum misses the Philippines and constantly asks him when they could go back to visit.

"She misses the food back home - the bibingka and puto."

Although both far from the Philippines and family, Francis and Lilay have home in each other. Source: Francis Pormento

Although both far from the Philippines and family, Francis and Lilay have home in each other.

"Mum looks at me while I sleep and calls out to me when I don't answer. She wants to make sure that I'm there.

"When she was in the hospital and I couldn't visit because of the pandemic, I always reassured her that I wouldn't leave her."

October 2021

"You sing, mum, and I'll dance." Source: Francis Pormento

Francis: Ma, do you love me?

Lilay: Of course! You're my only son; but if you disobey me, I'll spank you.

Francis (laughs): You're going to spank me? I'm an old man, mum! What if I cry? What are you going to buy for me?

Lilay (laughs): Candy.

* More than 300,000 Australians provide unpaid assistance to individuals living with dementia. An overwhelming 91% of people with dementia rely on informal carers for support.