Key Points
- Tattoo artist Sai Antonio says she has found healing in pointillism art after being sexually abused as a child by a man known to her family.
- After recovering her memory of the abuse, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD and a disassociative disorder as an adult.
- Antonio specialises in pointillism art and hand-poked tattoos.
* Disclaimer: The feature mentions childhood sexual abuse and may be triggering to some.
If you or anyone you know is a victim of sexual, domestic and/or family violence, you can reach out to 1800RESPECT through their hotline at 1800 737 732, via text at 0458 737 732 or, chat or video call via their website at 1800respect.org.au.
"Art is so special to me. It is helping me heal. After everything I've gone through, art dictates how I see life and, how I live it," 41-year-old hand-poked tattoo artist Sai Antonio shared.
Hand-poked tattoos are applied without the use of a machine. Instead, a tattoo needle is dipped in ink and poked into the skin as dots.
Antonio said she couldn't imagine a life without putting felt pens to paper or ink to skin. Not only has art become an outlet for self-expression, she said it had been indispensable in helping her reclaim her sense of self.
Dots making a whole
"I had a very difficult childhood ... I was sexually abused by a (man known to my family) for a long time ... from the age of three to 10," Antonio said.
Antonio, who moved with her parents and sisters to Australia in 2006, was still living in the Philippines then.
A young Sai Antonio (left) with her twin sister, Zai (right). Credit: Sai Antonio
I think it was my mind's way of coping. It was like nothing was happening. I disassociated.Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
Registered psychologist Donn Tantengco said: "Our mind has a lot of mechanisms to cope with trauma."
"Sadly, what happened to Sai wasn't a one-off event. It was also a horrific betrayal by someone who should have been taking care of her."
The developing brain can sense danger. There are automatic responses as the child develops and grows. For her, one of the ways she coped was to set aside that memory. This does happen.Donn Tantengco, registered psychologist
While Antonio's mind used disassociation to cope, her hands used art to disengage with what was going on.
"Unknowingly, I think art became my therapy. I expressed my feelings that way. I drew a lot when I was a child. Most of my drawings were abstract," she said.
One of Sai Antonio's earlier works Credit: Sai Antonio
In pointillism, the artist relies on the eyes and mind of the viewer to blend the unmixed dots into a full image.
Much like dots create an image in pointillism, Antonio said her need for art began making sense when bits of her forgotten past rose to the surface when she was 28.
Discovery after disassociation
Antonio said her second pregnancy triggered something inside her and she began remembering the abuse she suffered as a child.
"I confirmed with my twin sister Zai that it was all real. She found out about the abuse, but she saw that I was disassociating," she said.
She has always been my protector, so she didn't want to bring it up with me. She thought I was better off not remembering.Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
Zai (left) and Sai (right) Antonio say they are each other's protectors. Credit: Sai Antonio
"Typically, there would have been some difficulties because of the trauma, such as developing anxiety or depression.
"Resurfacing (of memories) can happen at any time."
After confirming the truth with her twin, Antonio disclosed the truth to her parents and sought therapy. She was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and disassociative identity disorder (DID).
Antonio said her main DID symptom was disassociative amnesia.
Tantengco explained: "With disassociative amnesia, you can remember your life except for that particular traumatic time. You can remember where you lived, where you studied ... but you won't remember the trauma."
DID is almost like an out-of-body experience — like the trauma isn't happening to you. It's like a third-person perspective. It's like you have a drone above you and you're in that drone looking at yourself.Donn Tantengco, registered psychologist
After receiving her diagnosis, Antonio's therapist suggested she go back to what helped her cope when she was younger.
"My therapist asked me, 'What was your refuge?'' she said.
"I drew a lot when I was a child; but moving to Australia, settling in, working, getting married ... I kind of forgot about art while I was 'doing life'; but rediscovering why I turned to art in the first place made me want to go back to it again."
Sai Antonio and family Credit: Sai Antonio
Hand-poked tattoos
Rediscovering her love for art on paper led her to explore art on skin.
"I've always loved tattoos. I have several," Antonio said.
"My twin, who works as a photographer in Adelaide, told me about a client she had who was doing hand-poked tattoos. I researched about it and became interested in getting one."
A hand-poked tattoo of Sai Antonio's portrait on her husband's arm. Credit: Sai Antonio
"I got one and looked at how the tattoo was done. I felt like I could do it. It felt very similar to the art I do," she said.
I also liked that the technique was similar to the traditional tattoos done by Apo Whang-Od — only the materials were different.Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
After receiving her first hand-poked tattoo, Antonio said she sought training and "fell in love" with the art form.
"Hand-poked tattoos take longer to do, but they look more natural compared to machine tattoos which look like stickers on the skin. There's a graininess and daintiness to them that I like," Antonio shared.
The technique is also a lot more gentle on the skin, healing is a lot quicker and the process is more intimate.Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
A gentle tap
With gentleness and healing in mind, Antonio created a part-time tattooing business she named Mayumi Tatu which she operates out of the co-working space, Next Door Tattoos.
"There are two meanings to 'mayumi'. In Filipino, 'mayumi' means 'gentle'; and the other meaning is 'Mayumi' as a name — which we picked for our first baby ... for the child I miscarried. So that word means a lot," she said.
Antonio said her life and work continued to be a reminder of how she was reclaiming what she once lost.
"I look forward to doing art every day," she said.
"As children, we're all drawn to art, to colours, to music ... we lose that sometimes. My art is a reminder that I'm still that child. I'm still dreaming. I'm still healing and wanting to do more things."
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