SBS Filipino's 'Breaking Our Silence' series sheds light on the different forms of domestic abuse, including the experiences of Filipino millennials who suffered at the hands of their Australian partners. This series focuses on the survivors who aren’t just digits in the statistics, but people with compelling stories to tell.
Who would believe you? That's what he said. She had no wounds, no marks to show as proof; but her body hurt. Everything hurt. She had a lingering pain, a numbness almost that came from every you're worthless, you're ugly, you're useless comment preceded by an affectionate I love you.
Emotional abuse is name-calling. It's isolating the sufferer. It's withholding finances and affection. It's manipulation. It's just as painful and traumatic as its physical counterpart. And it's what 31-year-old Gina* went through with the man she built a family with.
The first foreigner
Having grown weary of the dating scene in the Philippines, Gina decided to follow a friend's advice to look for a potential mate online.
"It was 2012. My friend taught me how to create a profile and through the dating site, I was able to meet men from different countries," she shares, adding, "that's where I met him."
Him turned out to be a 33-year-old Australian who was eager to get to know her in person.
I never dated a foreigner before. It was exciting. Things happened fast. He visited me twice in 2012. During his last visit, I got pregnant.
The two carried on a long-distance relationship while Gina was pregnant and until their daughter was almost two years old.
"I never asked for money while we were apart—except for when our daughter had to go to the doctor. I had my own money, which I used to support myself, my child and my parents."
While Gina didn't frequently ask for financial assistance, what she did want was absolute commitment.
"As Filipinos, we want to be married before we start living together or having kids. It didn't happen for me that way though."
Evil words hurt to the bone
Gina's partner visa got approved in 2014. Within a month of arriving in Australia, there was already turmoil in their household.
I knew my ex smoked marijuana and that he drank beer. I just didn't realise how dependent he was on them. He would carry our daughter after using drugs. He drank and drove while my daughter and I were in the car.
While risking their safety was bad enough, her ex-partner also subjected her to emotional and mental abuse.
"I caught him one time using the cat's bowl to feed our daughter yoghurt. I got mad. He said it was fine because he washed it in the dishwasher and that I was a dumb a** b*** for not knowing how a dishwasher worked.
He would point his finger at me. He called me lazy and ugly. When I would leave the room to cry, he would follow me where I went, to shout at me even more. I wanted to die.
While he never hit her during these encounters, the emotional abuse Gina suffered scarred her. According to Sydney-based psychotherapist Manna Maniago, that is precisely the point of violence instigated through words.
"It's a power play. It's about control. The victim will start thinking that these words are actually true—that she really is worthless. That will replay in her mind over and over again," Manna shares. "It stops her from being whole, from living the life she should be living.”
$20
The life Gina thought she would be living in Australia wasn't what she thought it would be. She was constantly depressed. Her self-esteem was non-existent and she no longer had the financial independence enjoyed in the Philippines.
"I was a housewife and didn't have access to Centrelink when I arrived, so he made every financial decision for us.
I couldn't even ask for $20 so I could bring my daughter around. He said I wasn't a tourist [who needed to go around] and that we should just go the playground.
Without $20 to her name, Gina decided to take on a job at a macadamia factory to earn her own money.
"I wasn't earning a lot, but it was my own money. When I got the job, he told me I needed to share 50/50 with the bills. He was earning a lot more then. Paying half left me with no savings."
As Gina had to pay for half of the bills, she was unable to buy a car, upskill or study aged care.
It was such a difference from when I was in the Philippines and had money. I wanted to send my parents a bit of money even if it was hard. He took an issue with me doing this.
Gina felt compelled to send money home and according to Donovan Nufable, a family dispute resolution therapist, this need typically causes friction between culturally diverse partners.
"The assailant will always take note of what the victim contributes financially. It becomes a measurement of what the other brings to the marriage," Nufable shares.
He adds: "While it is automatic for some Filipinos to send money back home, this practice causes even further friction with their non-Filipino partner."
They said it wasn't abuse
While she knew things were not right with her non-Filipino partner, Gina didn't think his behaviour was abusive.
"I didn't really know what emotional or verbal abuse was. He never hit me. In the Philippines, we don't really think about emotional abuse. It's just normal fighting. Some couples stay together even if one is a serial cheater. That's just how it is.
There was a time I was in church with another Filipino woman who was also being emotionally abused. She opened up to the older Filipinos there and she was told to tolerate the behaviour, to just accept it. ‘It's just the way things are’, they said. At that time, I agreed with them.
Agreeing to accept isn't all that uncommon.
According to Melba Marginson, Chair of the Silent Witness Network: "Before a woman seeks help from a women's refuge, she first runs to friends and relatives in the community. When those resources have a warped attitude towards domestic violence, the victim gets blocked and she stops looking for help. The community needs to be educated in what abuse is."
‘Who would believe you?’
Luckily, Gina chanced upon a member of the community who was educated in what abuse was - Em Tanag, a migration agent and domestic abuse advocate.
"I saw Em's posts about domestic abuse on a Facebook group. I didn't realise until then that I was being abused. I reached out to her and she helped get me in touch with people who could help me leave."
Finding out her plans, her then-partner felt confident he had the upper hand in the situation.
He said, ‘I haven't hit you. Who would believe you? No one will’.
But someone did and Gina and her daughter were taken by the police to a motel after she phoned a domestic abuse hotline. They stayed in the motel for three days before going to a women's shelter.
"My ex called me, apologising, asking me to return," she cries, adding, "I was so scared, but I had to leave. I was so thin, so stressed and depressed”.
"I thought if he only physically hurt me, then I would have an easier time healing. I used to be such a strong person, but I became so weak. It was so hard to go on, but I had to think of my child."
At peace
Her child's safety was always on her mind as she fought her ex in court for custody.
The court said he had a right to her because she is also his child. He needed to take a drug test though before he would be granted custody. He failed the first one.
"I was worried about my daughter spending time with him when I wasn't around because of his addictions," she shares, adding, "when the court granted him visitation rights, I was relieved when she came home to me safe and happy. It's been a few years and I'm at least glad that he has been a good father to her”.
While admitting her ex is a good father to their daughter, Gina continues to have a hard time forgetting how he was as a partner to her.
It's hard not to cry whenever I talk about what happened. It's ingrained in my brain and it's a wound that feels fresh every time I rehash it.
While the wound still stings every time she tells her story, Gina has moved forward in her career and personal life.
"I'm a single mum and the government subsidises my studies, which is great for my future. I'm studying real estate.
"I've also been dating someone for seven months now. I'm taking it easy. I will never again accept swearing, yelling or, any kind of abuse. He knows all of that," she shares, adding, "I'm no longer walking on eggshells. I've found peace”.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, report it to the police through 000 and through the National Sexual Assault Family and Domestic Violence Counselling Line 1800 – RESPECT or 1800-737-732.
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