My darling Nikita,
Five full years have passed since Papa and I were woken up by a loud knock on the front door by two police officers in their blue uniforms at 6am. They told us what happened to you. Even now it sometimes does not feel real to us that you are gone. I imagine that you will run up and cuddle me at any moment just like you used to, but I have seen you – my lifeless daughter – laying on a table covered in a sheet in the Coroner’s Court days after you were murdered.
I asked to see all of you, my Nikita. I wanted to see you, all of you, because I did not believe that you were gone. They gave me a glimpse only of a small part of the right side of your beautiful face. It is a memory etched in my brain. They told me the rest of your face and body were deeply injured when he attacked you and it was better if we did not see.
I have trouble sleeping. Some mornings I wake up at 6am and vomit. Your funeral was held at your spiritual and creative home – Monash University. Your friends came. Our family came. Strangers came. Everyone carried the weight of losing you. Tarang (Bhya) carried the heaviest weight possible that day, your casket. You had 200 red roses on your casket. It was the saddest day, but we made sure that it was a celebration of your life, although we all cried for days and weeks afterwards.
We blame victims, we criticise girls like you, daughters. We criticise women like me, mothers. But we do not always ask why the boys in our community are treating women the way they do. I hope that we can look past the shame and stigmas and challenge our community to be better and live in accordance with the values from our scriptures and treat others with respect, regardless of religion or background.
The pain of losing you does not go away, but the nights I sleep, I sleep knowing that he can no longer hurt you, control you, dominate and threaten you. I sleep knowing that you are safe now, my Ladi. But the thought of all the pain and suffering that he put you through does not go away.
Papa and I did not have a rule book to follow after he took you from this world. I prayed a lot. Papa listened to his meditation tapes. Both of us, we more or less had to navigate our own path in our journey of grief. The psychologists and psychiatrists have helped. They told me that time shall heal and we need to give time, time. They did not say how much time though!
Nikita Chawla Source: Facebook
Soon after you were gone, we started being seen as victims. It’s what everyone called us. It is true that we are and that you paid the ultimate sacrifice, my Ladi. But deep down, I don’t like the label of “victim”. I always thought of us as being blessed and taking pride in giving back to the community and not being on the receiving end; definitely not people to be pitied for any reason. I accepted in the first few days after you were taken that this is the biggest challenge God would give us as a family. And through your strength, we persevere. We will never let he who took you from us win.
I feel sorry every time the news says another woman has been taken. There are so many families like ours that are adjusting to life without their Niki. So many families who are on a journey full of mixed experiences as they struggle to find a “new normal”.
My Nikita, there are so many lifelines in the form of our family, friends and medical doctors who have helped us. They have kept us afloat in your absence and prevented me from going crazy. I only got to love you in this world for 23 years and the 9 months I carried you in my womb, but you have given us a lifetime of love and countless memories of your presence. The way we have been dealing with this has been unique to each of us. You would feel so proud of Bhya for all that he has done since you left us. But there is a part of me that feels sad every time someone congratulates me on one of his achievements. They will say things to me like, ‘You must be so proud of your son.’ I am proud of your brother, so proud of the way he handles himself, but I remind them, ‘I am proud of my daughter, too.’
Maybe I did not tell you this enough. But I love you, I was proud of you then and feel even prouder of you now, to have been blessed with a daughter like you, Nikita. I think the world needs more kindness. It is a scary place and since you have gone, many others have gone the same way. Maybe you have already met them in life after ours. I feel sorry every time the news says another woman has been taken. There are so many families like ours that are adjusting to life without their Niki. So many families who are on a journey full of mixed experiences as they struggle to find a “new normal”.
We are more vulnerable than most now. We trust easily to at least try to move on and move forward in life, but it is not easy and we have been taken advantage of. I miss you so much and wish that you were here my Ladi. You always had a way of making things easy. Your softness, gentleness and compassion are so rare. Papa misses you so much. And I know Bhya does too. Tarang has depression too and I feel devastated in sharing with you that he attempted to take his life. The pain got too much for him and I had never felt more worried or scared. I had already lost you and I could not see my other child suffer. I thought that this would be the end of the pain, but life has given us more challenges.
Sunila Chawla lost her daughter, Nikita, five years ago. Nikita's partner, Parminder Singh was later jailed for her murder. Source: Supplied
People have blamed Papa and I, they have blamed Bhya, or you, but they are still scared or unwilling to blame him for what he did to you. It is changing, but sometimes it feels too slow and it is heartbreaking for me knowing that it is always going to be too late for you.
Bhya got married in 2018. All of your friends put in so much love and effort and with Tarang they did a dance just like you would have choreographed. It was such a happy occasion and it made me happy seeing Bhya looking happy after you were gone. It made me miss all of the parties we threw and the Bollywood nights when you would show everyone how to dance. Papa and I were happy thinking we had found happiness in our family. We thought that maybe now with a daughter-in-law there would be a reason to look forward while remembering you on our path of healing, but the happiness was short-lived. Bhya could not stay in that relationship. He came to live with Papa and I. I think that is when he missed you the most. It hurt us to see him hurting, but we are hopeful. After losing you, hope is what we all hold on to because it is all we have left.
Papa and I have seen so much since you have gone. We have met the families of others who went like you. Their pain is like ours, and it is not fair that too many families all over Australia are sharing this pain and loss. There is a girl named Preethi, she was a dentist and we have met her family and the photos of her beautiful smiling face reminds me of you. Her family has kindness and gentleness and we are happy to have met them but wish that we met them under different circumstances. I wish that you and Preethi were still here. Many people are doing work all over Australia so what happened to you does not happen to others. They are trying their best and believe in hope and change.
Nikita, I worry for our community. I worry that maybe in our Punjabi community we are not ready yet to talk about the issues. There are so many bad things happening in our community, it saddens me. Although there is good work being done, there is still so much progress that must happen to make homes and the community safer for women. People have blamed Papa and I, they have blamed Bhya, or you, but they are still scared or unwilling to blame him for what he did to you. It is changing, but sometimes it feels too slow and it is heartbreaking for me knowing that it is always going to be too late for you. I shall never ever get a chance to see one more dance from you. I will never get to see you feel alive again.
I worry for our community. We must all learn and teach respect across all generations. We blame victims, we criticise girls like you, daughters. We criticise women like me, mothers. But we do not always ask why the boys in our community are treating women the way they do. I hope that we can look past the shame and stigmas and challenge our community to be better and live in accordance with the values from our scriptures and treat others with respect, regardless of religion or background.
Source: AAP
I feel hopeful Nikita that although you died for no good reason, that your death is not in vain. The work that has been done in your name will hopefully help others. I want to see more change in the attitudes of our community – gender roles and stereotypes have only made a slight shift in the last 50 years with women stepping out of home, educating themselves and joining the paid workforce around the world.
But then I feel so upset about the opportunity our community is missing. We have been raising our girls to be independent women for the past half a century at least, globally, but, somewhere we as a society have lagged behind in teaching our boys the changing face of masculinity. But your death has taught me the hardest lesson that family violence does not discriminate. Nobody is immune. Whether people have money or not, are professionally qualified or not, it can happen to anyone just how it happened to you. It is a long road before we can exist in an equal, human world. But we take baby steps and strongly feel that day is not far where gender does not define women’s role and restrict women from achieving their true potential.
I miss you so much my Nikita. I still wait for your smiling face to show up suddenly at home. I still wait for you to come and hug me from behind. I wait for you to try to tickle me or annoy me. I wait for one more phone call from you. I wait for you to ask me to come and see your latest choreography routine. I wonder if you are dancing in the stars. Sometimes I see a star twinkle in the night sky and wonder if it is you, smiling back.
I miss the feeling of my hands going through your thick and long curly black hair. I wonder what you would have been doing now. I was so proud to receive your degree from Monash University, but it should have been you who received it, not me. You were Papa and my second child, and you were the child that completed our family.
Life is not the same without you, and life has never been quite right since the day you were taken. Five years on, I miss you now more than ever. We do not want or wish your fate on anyone. Rest in Peace, my beautiful Ladi!
Love now and always,
Ma.
If you or someone you know is experiencing family violence, phone 1800 RESPECT. For counselling, advice and support for men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, call the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491.
Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention can contact on 13 11 14, on 1300 659 467 and on 1800 55 1800 (up to age 25).
