When Ash Bari was 28, he felt like he had his life sorted with a successful career and high income — the one thing missing was love.
The Melbourne resident had used dating apps since was 21, but his love life had been inconsistent, and he was previously in a long-term relationship that didn't work out.
"Between 28 and 30, my career took off. I built my house, I had three cars, I got my dream car. I was earning lots," he said, adding that he went to the gym and trained in mixed martial arts.
"My life was good all around so I felt really confident in myself."
But Bari wasn't sure how to approach women and didn't know what to say to them.
After meeting dating coach Andrew Gung, on a Valentine's Day cruise, Bari decided to enrol in Gung's program that helps men improve their social and dating skills.
He paid $7500 for the course, which he said helped him address some of his insecurities. The course included a photo shoot for pictures to use on his dating profile, and advice on his profile and how to approach women he liked.
Before (left) and after (right) shots of Ash Bari's makeover, which he said improved his self-confidence and dating app profile. Source: Supplied
He had subscriptions to Bumble, Tinder and Hinge, spending about $100 to $150 a month on their premium services, which gave him access to more matches.
Bari said he preferred to take women out on dinner dates, or for drinks rather than coffee, because it encouraged deeper conversations and he was spending on average around $150 to $200 per date.
In total over six months, he spent more than $7200 on dates and on subscriptions to the apps.
But the expense paid off, with Bari connecting with his girlfriend, who did not wish to be named, in June last year.
Ash Bari spent more than $15,000 on dating to find his girlfriend. Source: SBS News
"She's my type, she ticks all my boxes. When I go through difficult times, she's still there with me. She accepts me," he said.
He said the outcome was "absolutely" worth the time, effort and money.
"I dated all these girls, they taught me what I liked and didn't like about someone, and I learned a lot in that journey and process, and it led to the right outcome," he said.
Ash Bari with his girlfriend, who did not wish to be named. Source: Supplied
The cost of love
Not everyone can afford to drop thousands of dollars on dating and Andrew Gung said he generally discourages men from splashing cash on a first date.
The dating coach believes it's better to go for a coffee or a couple of drinks first to see if there is a connection.
Gung said one of his clients, who had his pilot's licence, used to hire helicopters to take women to wineries in the NSW Hunter Valley on first and second dates.
"He was just basically getting used by all these women by doing these dates, and he didn't realise," Gung said.
"In the movies, that looks great ... but guys don't realise nowadays that that's not what you should do on your dates. That's something you would do in a relationship or if you're celebrating an anniversary."
Gung said organising to go for a walk or to the beach were just some ways of getting to know someone without having to spend up big.
A Tinder Australia survey in 2022 found 62 per cent of singles said their ideal date was going for a walk or grabbing a coffee, and only 26 per cent preferred going for dinner at an expensive restaurant.
There could even be a new trend towards dating while performing errands, with 51 per cent of singles saying they were open to new ways of fitting dating around their busy daily schedules, according to Tinder's Year in Swipe 2023 report.
Fatigue with dating apps
In recent years, disillusionment has grown about the usefulness of dating apps when it comes to finding love.
In the United States, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Match Group-owned apps including Tinder and Hinge, with complainants arguing the apps were designed to addict users and lock them "into a perpetual pay-to-play loop".
Apps such as Tinder have in the past been accused of charging some users more for subscriptions depending on their attributes such as age and whether they lived in a metropolitan or regional area. But Tinder says it dropped age-related charges in 2021.
"We frequently offer promotional rates — which can vary based on factors like location or length of subscription. No other demographic information is considered in our pricing structure," a Tinder spokeswoman told SBS News.
Sydney resident Brenda Van, 30, is one burnt-out user who became sick of trying to find love through apps such as Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge. She said she had used them on and off since she was 19, and while she has been in a few longer-term relationships, she did not meet those partners using apps.
Brenda Van started running her own dating events after becoming disillusioned with dating apps. Source: Supplied
She said she was drawn to using apps mainly because of how convenient they were as she didn't always have time to go out and meet people.
But she decided to take a step back from them because she didn't like dating app culture, and wanted to try to meet someone in real life.
"I think it made my mindset not able to focus on one person at a time ... I was comparing who's better, comparing who's worse," she said.
"I think that really created this toxic cycle of me not really investing, and them not really investing because if you put low effort into something you don't really get the results."
I think it made my mindset not able to focus on one person at a time ... I was comparing who's better, comparing who's worseDating app user Brenda Van
A couple of years ago, Van started hosting her own dating events in Sydney and Melbourne, and her waitlist for those aged in their mid-20s to mid-30s has grown to about 3500 people.
"I've seen such a big demand for a different solution to dating apps," she said.
Van's speed dating events are limited to about 30 people and cost around $50 per person. Her singles mixers, of which up to 100 people attend, are priced between $30-$60 depending on venue. She also hosts free running clubs.
While her events generally cost money, Van said they even the playing field so all attendees get exposure to all other participants.
Dating app algorithms
Apps have in the past been criticised for the algorithms they use which mean some people's profiles don't surface as easily as others.
Paying for a subscription is one way people navigate around this because they allow users more options.
Sydney resident Juna Xu, 28, said she had become tired of using apps over the years as she was constantly being shown the same people.
"Whenever I re-download the app [I'd] see those same profiles that were there, five or six years ago, with an updated picture or something," she said.
She said these people had become familiar to her and seeing them was like seeing old friends as she knew so much about them despite never having interacted with them.
Whenever I re-download the app [I'd] see those same profiles that were there, five or six years ago, with an updated picture or somethingDating app user Juna Xu
Xu has now embraced free running clubs. The only cost is that she has to get up at 5am - something she doesn't mind doing as she's an early riser.
"I hate going out to bars ... and I love running, running is one of my hobbies so when this became a thing I was so happy," she said.
Gung said he didn't think some of the premium services on dating websites and apps were worth it, but others were.
"Sometimes (you are) required to have that premium service to really stand out, and (for the chance to) triple to quadruple your matches," he said.
"But if someone has worked (on) their profile, they shouldn't need to have to pay for that premium service as an ongoing thing."
Other options to finding the perfect match
Gung said social clubs like running clubs or dance classes, or even meet-up events, could work to connect with people with similar interests.
"A lot of our clients over the years have even met their partner through social Latin dancing," he said.
Bari said his advice to others seeking love was to address their own issues first.
"The advice I give to people (is) to sort their own lives out: financial, health, physique, money, behaviour, self-improvement," he said.
"They should earn the right to date successfully."
