Warren Giffin, a 53 year-old high school teacher from Queensland, doesn’t do 'baggage'; personally, and with other people.
“I just think that if you meet someone, of course the history's part of it, but just don't carry it along,” he says. “You know, it's about us now. I'm sorry about that situation, those past situations, but you know … just start fresh.”
Dating as an older man, he says he often finds himself meeting women shouldering issues from past relationships into the future; something incompatible with his outlook on life.
“I'm about going forward,” he tells Insight’s Jenny Brockie, as the show . “I find that some people tend to live in the past and my attitude to life is: it's too short for fear, guilt and regret. Guilt and regret just doesn't exist in my life at all.”
His attitude may seem harsh, but it’s borne from a belief that past relationships – with all their nostalgic positives and ugly negatives – are learning curves in his bigger evolution.
I find that some people tend to live in the past and my attitude to life is: it's too short for fear, guilt and regret.
For some in the throes of emotional turmoil post-break up, however, it can be hard - sometimes impossible, depending on circumstances - to get this perspective. It can be a time of ultimate vulnerability, when doubt and trauma worry away at self-esteem and the motivation to throw oneself back into the dating game. Memories and feelings can be difficult to shake, and moving forward may be more complex than accepting it all immediately as life education.
In Amber Passau’s experience, it took years to work through the emotional impact of what she says was a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship.
“That's why I remained single for at least five or six years because there was so much baggage from that relationship that it took time for me to heal and that meant moving to a different area,” she says. “It just meant completely changing my life and wanting to recover; to not use it as an excuse in every relationship for why it went wrong and I did that for a long time.”
So how do singles ensure past relationships don’t cast a shadow on future ones?
Some circumstances can be a tough hurdle.
Insight guest Dr Imaan Joshi primarily cares for four young children following a divorce about six years ago, while juggling work as a GP. While such ‘baggage’ is beyond her control, it – and the smaller pool of choice, given her faith – have thrown a spanner into the works of finding a new partner.
“A couple of years ago, there was somebody who was nine years younger than me who was quite interested, and I must admit there was a fair bit of chemistry, but unfortunately his parents didn't like the idea of him being with somebody a fair bit older with the four children and it just didn't go anywhere,” she recalls.
“More recently, there was someone [else] … but unfortunately he couldn't see himself being with somebody with four children long term, which was a real shame because he was lovely in every other way.”
Despite her circumstances, she took steps to manage her own, and her children’s, psychological wellbeing to be in a place where a good relationship could be on the cards.
Imaan Joshi on Insight Source: Insight
“I've had a lot of counselling, I've had a lot of work over the last five years to look at my issues, the issues that my children have had because of everything that's happened, and I honestly feel like I've worked on a lot of my baggage,” she says.
“I think I'm finally at point now where with the right person … I could see myself being open, willing, vulnerable, willing to trust, et cetera. But it's not going to be for just anyone.”
Baggage can be great life experience. It doesn't have to be negative, it can be positive and a lack of baggage to me might indicate something missing.
It’s taken some time for Amber to get to a similar point and come back from the traumatic relationship many years ago.
“I didn't think any guy would ever even look at me ever again,” she remembers. “It probably took about four years of sorting myself out … before I actually started to look in the mirror and go, ‘You're amazing, there's nothing wrong with you. Stop bringing that past into future relationships and pushing people away’, because that's what I did. I pushed family members away; I pushed friends away; any relationship that came to me.”
She’s also a proponent of managing any lingering psychological problems before making another attempt at love. She says her biggest regret is not a broken-down, painful relationship but the potential partners she pushed away in the years she carried issues from the past.
“I could probably be married, have kids now, but that's my biggest regret. I got into my relationships without healing,” she says. “I pushed all those people away and now I'm still on my own and I'm single.”
“But again, I'm happy in who I am and looking forward to meeting somebody and hopefully with no baggage.”
For one audience member, ‘baggage’ doesn’t always have to be negative.
Amber Passau Source: Insight
“Baggage can be great life experience … it can be positive and a lack of baggage to me might indicate something might be missing,” she volunteered. “Just want to put that out there.”
For mental health crisis support, please contact on 13 11 14, or for counselling services contact on 1300 22 4636. Your local GP can also assist with a mental health plan and counselling recommendations.
This week, Insight turns the tables on Valentines Day and gives a voice to Australian singles. Their numbers are on the rise - but why, and how? | Tuesday 14 February 8.30pm SBS
Further reading
Has online dating encouraged singledom?
