Amid rising rates of anxiety and depression, being 'more resilient' has become a popular catch cry of podcasters, influencers and life coaches. But have we lost sight of what it actually means to be resilient? This episode of Insight asks, is resilience all it's made out to be? Watch Challenging Resilience on .
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Challenging Resilience
episode • Insight • News And Current Affairs • 52m
episode • Insight • News And Current Affairs • 52m
This story contains references to suicide.
For much of my adult life, I have tried to appear strong, as if I was coping well with my experiences of loss and grief.
The first life-changing loss came for me when I was 23, when my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly.
This was five years after my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.
I was the youngest child and only daughter in our family, my two older brothers being eight and nine years older. I acted as the primary carer to my dad for just over a decade until he also died.
Fiona as a baby with both her parents. Source: Supplied
While I had a long-term relationship during that time, my 20s and 30s were not like those of my peers; the happy, carefree times that my friends look back on.
Two years after the death of my dad, my partner committed suicide without warning. I was the one to find him.
The traumatic event absolutely blindsided me.
He had been depressed, as had I. But I never imagined he would do such a thing.
Life 'like a waiting game'
Compounded loss, when a person experiences multiple traumatic events, is more challenging and complex to process.
My happy upbringing became a life tinged with an ever-present fear of death and loss — like a waiting game for the next bad thing to hit. I still feel wary of what bad event may happen.
Fiona says her young adult life was not marked by the "happy, carefree times" enjoyed by her friends. Source: Supplied
His traumatic death shrouded my 40s with great sadness. Though I have largely recovered, I still live with the repercussions.
Now in my 50s, I have rebuilt my life over the last 12 years but I have often felt like an outsider. I have had periods when I struggle to feel okay. I think I find life harder than many other people.
I feel like I lost an innocence decades ago that many of my friends have been able to retain.
Despite this, I'm a person who can laugh easily; humour is an essential part of my life, which has helped me to cope, even in my darkest hours.
As has my love for my beloved dogs, who are now deceased, and listening to music.
But, despite having these joys, I cry very easily and my veneer is thin.
Worn thin by what life has thrown at me.
Sharing stories of suffering
People like to show others how well they're doing. You only have to look at social media.
We want to be seen as happy, successful, strong and resilient. And also busy.
If we are all of those things, we are somehow considered worthy, even important.
But for me there is strength in fragility. And we can carry strength and fragility at the same time.
Fiona says humour, her dogs and music have helped her to cope in her "darkest hours". Source: Supplied
In some ways, we are all 'resilient'; life forces us to be.
But it's a term that's bandied around with little regard for the hard-won achievements behind it.
We want to be seen as happy, successful, strong and resilient.Fiona Styles
Being resilient can mask the struggles that so many people experience every day — beyond the time when healing is 'meant' to have been completed.
It's seen as a badge of honour, and one I'd prefer not to wear.
Toxic positivity doesn’t allow people to process and express their grief. Instead, it can lead to shame — that people are not doing better, or being better.
I have the support of a very kind brother, his two beautiful children, and some gorgeous neighbours and friends.
I am very lucky too in other ways, for which I am grateful.
However my friends have come and gone, along with subsequent relationships.
Grief and loss are simply too much for many people to handle. Suicide is spoken about more, but it remains a taboo.
For me, sharing my story is integral to my healing. And possibly, a source of hope for others.
When I hear stories of people overcoming hardship or trauma, aspects often resonate with me.
We are not our stories, but they are part of us. These experiences make us human.
It is my hope that we can lessen the stigma around suffering. That resilience is not something to be constantly admired.
By supporting each other, we can try to alleviate our pain. And accept that healing has no end point.
Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25). More information and support with mental health is available at and on 1300 22 4636.
supports people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
Griefline provides confidential support on 1300 845 745 and via griefline.org.au
And for more stories on sex, relationships, health, wealth, grief and more, head to hosted by Kumi Taguchi. Follow us on the , , , or wherever you get your podcasts.
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