My first child, Jeremy, was born in 1984. I was five days off my 21st birthday. When my partner told me that her waters had broken and that we needed to go to the hospital I remember thinking, “What? Now! You’re ready to go NOW! But I just made a toasted sandwich!” I remember my biggest fear when my partner went into labour was that she wouldn’t make a mess in the car. Little did I know how much my life would change.
If I knew then, what I know now, about being a father and what my role was to be in my children's life I honestly think that I would have done so many things differently.
We enter fatherhood thinking that it is an exclusive club. A club that gives us some kind of credibility and standing in the community, in the world and most importantly, in our parent’s eyes. I thought that fatherhood would allow me, with a wink and a secret handshake, to understand our partners better, to have the right to sleep in later or to complain about how many hours we worked in the day. Man, was I in for a rude awakening!
Being a new Dad was an exciting and empowering time, but also a bit confusing. Talking about the birth and the birth actually happening are two totally different things.
For example, when my son was born, I looked upon this wriggling gift of joy like a man with amnesia. I couldn’t work out what we had in common. Who was this little person to me?.. I was dumbfounded!
I realised that just because I had become a father, didn’t mean that I knew how to BE a father. I stupidly thought that carrying the baby and holding the baby and making baby noises was my main job. That was so far from the truth that when I look back at how I was at the beginning of my fatherhood journey, I would’ve slapped myself across the forehead.
However, for the first few days after my child’s birth I was drunk on this new found power! I could easily interrupt groups of women huddled in cafes after school drops- offs because I had the smell of a newborn still radiating off me. As a new Dad, I took credit for all the great decisions that Fathers in history had made for their children. I felt larger than life because I made a mini me and I WAS A MAN!
There are so many things that life doesn’t prepare you for. So many questions and situations that you are placed in, where you realise how ill prepared you truly are.
Take naming a child for example. My father never told me about the trials and tribulations of choosing a name for your baby. In a European household they may have traditions where the child will carry the father or the grandfather’s name. Growing up in a deeply religious Polynesian family, I wanted to make sure that my children had both a Samoan name and an English name. I met my wife in NZ but she was born in Romford, England. My wife was also a teacher which is a curse when it comes to naming a child because every name I came up with reminded her of a little brat that she taught. My Samoan mother already had names that she would quietly whisper in my ear hoping to turn it into an ear worm that would burrow its way deep into my psyche and before I knew it my child would be named Okesene, (Oxygen) or Elvis after her Uncle’s name.
I’m now Dad to eight kids - Jeremy, Matthew, Iosefa, Jessica, Tana, Georgia Rose, Katie and Bella.
My father never told me that you had to book a spot for your child in kindergarten before you lost your virginity! He also never told me that you had no secrets from your kindergarten teacher. My 3 year old daughter Georgia Rose would always start her conversation with her teacher with, “ Guess what happened at home Miss Tilly!” Looking back as my children grow older I realise that there were so many things that my father never told me about. Especially navigating the minefield that is fatherhood.
