When Stella Coffey moved to Australia from the UK in 2018, she, like the rest of us, had no idea a pandemic was looming. Prior to April 2020, she’d been able to return to the UK for short visits and come back to Australia where she’d set up home and work. When COVID-19 arrived and slammed international borders shut, she was suddenly faced with the reality of being very far from home.
“Despite the UK being in lockdown for the majority of the time, there were times when my family and friends were able to be together, which resulted in me missing my sister’s 40th, my grandmother’s funeral, the birth of my niece, the birth of two of my best friends’ babies, and a very close friend’s wedding,” Coffey told Insight.
She said she felt “incredibly guilty” at missing such important family events.
“I made the decision to move to Australia purely for me, not my job, not a partner, but to experience living in a beautiful country.”
“I, like the rest of the world, didn’t see the pandemic coming but with borders staying shut indefinitely, I had to make the tough decision of staying and dealing with the prolonged feeling of guilt or cutting short my visa - of which I had 18 months left - to see my loved ones.”
Coffey made the decision to quit her job in Australia and move back home. She planned her final months in Sydney, which was full of interstate trips and social events to say goodbye to friends. But then the delta variant arrived and plunged the state into lockdown.
It also made me feel like the decision to move home was so forced upon me and that left a certain amount of bitterness to contend with.
“It felt really sad to be totally honest. It made the entire experience feel unfinished,” she said, adding that she was forced to spend her final two weeks in the country in an Airbnb on her own.
“I had been so fortunate to have made an amazing group of friends and it was so important to me to be able to say my goodbyes to them and to thank them for making my time in Sydney what it was.
“It also made me feel like the decision to move home was so forced upon me and that left a certain amount of bitterness to contend with.”
COVID setbacks
Psychologist, Doctor Adam Gerace, told Insight a lot of discomfort during the pandemic comes from the lack of control most people are feeling.
“What we know is a lot of people’s suffering comes from trying to control our thoughts and feelings in addition to things out in the world,” said Dr Gerace, who heads the positive psychology course at CQ University.
“It’s normal to feel bad about things, it’s normal to feel disappointed about setbacks and changes to plans during this time. This time is about considering what we can and can’t control and being kind to ourselves.”
Dr Gerace said something people can do to help themselves during this time was to use a technique called, “holding our thoughts in balanced awareness”.
“We don’t get entangled by our thoughts and overcome by them but we also acknowledge them and we try and stay as much as possible in that present moment,” he explained.
Dr Gerace told Insight that so much time during the pandemic is spent worrying about the future - hoping that something is going to be OK or being anxious about something going pear shaped. He said people can either be caught in that anxiety cycle or go the opposite way and try to completely avoid such distressing thoughts and feelings.
COVID has changed the way we live, and the plans we had in place beforehand. Source: AAP
“It’s OK to be mindful of our suffering, to acknowledge that things do suck at this present moment and if you want to be sad, we can be sad and to even see this as a bit of a wider human experience.”
And when plans go astray, Dr Gerace said it’s all about looking at the goal of why you want to do something and the values behind it, and then adapting to the situation.
“So much of this unrest, or anxiousness or sadness about these change of plans is often the fact you want to get together with a group of people that you love and care about but I think ultimately if we look at what our value is, is our value to be around people we love?”
“To be a good partner, brother, sister, mother, whatever, I think that can kind of help us deal with setbacks with those goals and look at ways around it.
“Are we able to adjust particular plans, maybe the wedding is not going to look the way that we wanted it to look, it might be a smaller group, it might have to be done in a different way but are there things that can still allow us to achieve what we want to achieve within the confines of what we’ve got, within the anxiety of sometimes having to sit in that unknowingness.
“Being able to sit with that uncertainty and to realise that it’s a part of life, and it’s a part of life always but it’s a part of life particularly now.”
As for Coffey, the pandemic has made her realise how important friends and family are and how easily things can change.
“COVID has forced everyone to reassess what they believe is important and has also highlighted how little control we have of how our lives will pan out,” she said.
“For me, that has meant trusting my gut even more and doing what I feel is right at the time.”
