Alisia Garcia assumed she and her partner would settle after they bought an apartment on the Gold Coast and had a child together.
"We thought we'd be happy in our apartment forever," Alisia, 31, told The Feed.
"But having a child was the reason we bought a [freestanding] house."
The pair were lucky enough to afford this luxury — but it wasn't without sacrifices. To save up for the house, the pair opted to avoid childcare — but Alisia found herself struggling with the living arrangement.
"I think the hardest days were days that I was sick or just exhausted, burnt out, and I still had to get up and get this child ready to get out and about. I just didn't have a day off," she said.
The standard Australian home is changing. As the nation grapples with a housing crisis, a move toward higher density living is seen by some as inevitable. But for parents — who may have grown up on a quarter-acre block — this shift in the last two decades is putting stress on families, relationships, and neighbours.
On top of the standard challenges of raising a child, Alisia said sharing a small space with a child full of energy took an added toll.
"Having limited space was really difficult to keep him entertained — so I found myself [going] out every single day for my sanity and his," she said.
The apartment was used as a playground, and soon neighbours lost patience.
"They were really tolerant in the beginning, and then it got to the point where he started growing up and he was pushing toys off the balcony. He was louder — he wanted to be outside," Alisia said.
"They eventually got really annoyed with us — which is understandable. It was all very mutually joyous when we moved out."
A new norm for raising a family in cities
As of 2020, the average size of new houses in Australia was 230 square metres, while apartments were about 69 per cent lower, at 136 square metres, according to data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) and CommSec.
Apartment living is on the rise in Australia. Source: SBS
The number of families with children in apartments increased by 56 per cent from 2011 to 2016, according to the ABS.
One in five apartments are occupied by a family with children, according to the 2016 Census — and the most recent 2021 Census found that apartments make up for 30.9 per cent of the increase in new homes built since 2016.
Having moved to a property with a yard, Alisia said their quality of life drastically improved.
"We've got a bit of backyard, we've got a pool, we've got a trampoline … on the days I don't feel like taking him out, he has things to entertain himself with here," she said.
"I couldn't even imagine having my three-year-old in an apartment anymore. No way in hell."
Apartment living was the end of Aniruddh's relationship
Raising a child in an apartment was the reason Aniruddh Haldar, 35, and his partner split up. Aniruddh said he couldn't possibly do it again — after his partner suggested they have a second child.
"Housing was one of our biggest concerns — we just couldn't raise another child in an apartment," Aniruddh told The Feed.
"So we basically ended our relationship on that point."
Having grown up in India, Aniruddh said he was used to high-density living — but his partner, raised with a backyard with a pool in coastal regional Australia — was not; and the pair couldn't see eye-to-eye on the lifestyle.
Living in high-density with his partner was the catalyst for Aniruddh Haldar's relationship breakdown. Source: Supplied
But high-density living is something more families may have to adapt to.
A generation raised in free-standing houses
Housing prices have skyrocketed: 25 years ago, the average house in Sydney cost about $312,000 — now it's at about $1.65 million. The federal , in what is expected to be a major talking point in the upcoming election.
More people than ever live in high-density dwellings. Apartments now make up 16 per cent of all homes (ABS, 2021), but they're generally seen as a "stepping stone" for freestanding houses, says youth sociologist Dr Julia Cook from the University of Newcastle.
"There's really strong ingrained cultural attitudes around home ownership in Australia … most of the contemporary generation have grown up in freestanding houses. So to some degree, people are replicating their own experience," Cook told The Feed.
Of 1012 people who answered The Feed's Instagram poll, 952 reported being raised in a house rather than an apartment. Source: SBS
"[It's] often attached to replicating the positive memories or the parts of childhood that were really good. There's this element of nostalgia to it and of wanting children to have the best of what you had," Cook said.
Cook believes there's more "social acceptance" in apartment living through migrants who may be more accustomed to high-density living.
But many Australian apartment designs fail to meet the needs of families, according to research analysing norms and parents’ experiences of home in higher-density housing, published in 2021 in Housing Studies, an international research journal focusing on housing development and policy.
Some parents expressed concern about feeling unable to make an apartment feel like 'home', and guilt about not providing their children with freedom. The research points out that its analysis might reinforce a Western view of urban changes and cultural norms.
High-density living is nothing new in countries such as India, China, Singapore, South Korea, England and France. Some cities in these countries have innovated through high-density living: Seoul redeveloped a highway overpass in a high-density area to provide a public recreational space, while some of Singapore's schools are open to the public after hours, giving parents extra space to take their children.
When the noise is too much
Ramil, 40, raised his child in a one-bedroom apartment in Sydney: he said he had to move out after receiving noise complaints from frustrated neighbours.
He told The Feed his child is energetic and would often play in the house, generating noise which led to hostility with his neighbour.
"My wife became agitated as well, she [would] go down and basically try to also talk to them angrily. It was not great … having our neighbours pissed with things that we can't control — just adds to the frustration," Ramil said.
Research supports this. A 2018 study published in Emotion, Space and Society, an open-access journal, found that Australians often correlate a 'good' neighbour with a quiet neighbour, and that sounds from children shouldn't be the norm in apartments and suggest a cultural shift in attitudes may be necessary for families to feel more comfortable living in apartments.
Ramil eventually felt pressured to pack up and go.
"Me and my wife got anxious when our kid ran around, so we had to move out," Ramil said.
For Ramil and many people who can't afford a freestanding home near their place of work, living in an apartment is the most feasible option.
"Cost of renting is so hard that you probably go to those smaller apartments that don't have proper [sound] insulation," he said.
The Western Sydney Local Health District pointed out in its Healthy Higher Density Living for Families with Children design guide last year that, despite more children being raised in high-density homes, no Australian city has implemented a policy for family-friendly living standards.
Australian families raising families are flocking to apartments as cheaper alternatives to freestanding houses. Source: SBS / Kathleen Farmilo
"It feels like there's no consideration given for living standards. It's mostly 'you build a house and you rent it to a single professional' … and with a very tiny living space — you want a room where you can sit and enjoy family [time]."
Aniruddh wants to see a shift in attitudes towards high-density living — and a push for improved standards in new apartments.
"Apartment living is the future … but if you want to make people live in [an] apartment you need to make them liveable."
