In a , Rhymer Rigby implored us to put away childish things, and skip seeing Grim Costumed Punchathon 6 in favour of more literary fare. As Rigby says, Batman and Superman were created for ten year old boys in the 1930s, so no one could possibly enjoy them today.
But superheroes are big business, with , and a further . The studios won’t want to part with their money-printing machines easily, so we’ve put together a few ideas for more sophisticated superheroes that’ll bring maturity and depth back to the box office faster than you can say “franchise potential”.
Nabokov Man
Born with synesthesia and an uncanny way with words, billionaire Russian playboy Vladimir committed himself to fighting injustice after a mistranslation of a short story mangled the careful word play and rendered the subtext shockingly literal. Since that fateful day, Nabokov Man has haunted the shadowy rooftops of St. Petersburg, keeping a protective eye out for multilingual puns and the innocent alike. In recent years, Nabokov Man has been spotted with his plucky sidekick, the Unreliable Narrator, but no one really trusts him.
Oscar Wildling
The only son of wealthy industrialists, young Oscar was tragically orphaned when the family plane crashed in dense jungle. Raised by the creatures of the forest, he became their protector, using his animal-trained strength and finely-honed bon mots to save his friends from poachers. When a handsome explorer discovers Oscar’s hut, he decides to bid farewell to the jungle and return to the aristocratic life he left behind, where he continues to protect the vulnerable with savage satire. We’re looking at Bradley Cooper to play Oscar.
The Beats!
The Justice League of poetry, this crime-fighting squad saw the best minds of its generation destroyed by madness, so when they were given magic rings by an angel on the roof of a tenement, they resolved to use their powers for good. Jack Kerouac’s ring granted him super-speed, while Allen Ginsberg could summon an army of skeletons to fight for him; William S. Burrough’s ring was banned for obscenity, but we could probably just make it shoot fire or something.
Virginia Werewoolf
Who’s afraid? You should be! Under the silver light of the full moon, this mild-mannered novelist transforms into a deadly beast capable of incredible feats of primal strength and even more stunning depictions of adult relationships. Luckily for us, Virginia’s friends E.M. Forster and John Maynard Keanes are there to keep her sharp teeth and sharper wit trained on evildoers. From their lighthouse base, THE BLOOMSBURY GROUP will come together to save the world [note: this could be the next Avengers!].
Super-Franzen
Source: The Feed
When two young teens say their magic word (“literature!”), they summon a bespectacled super-genius! Capable of satirising family dramas in a single bound! Able to get weirdly defensive about feminism faster than a speeding locomotive! His power is as legendary as his novels are long and self-congratulatory! Can Super-Franzen keep up the high-octane soap opera in the face of his nemesis, Twitter? Only time will tell!
Pow!
The first pop-art superhero, Pow!, was born when a young janitor fell into a printing-press. Able to shoot large colourful dots from his hands while retaining a sense of ironic detachment from everything, Pow!’s so-bad-it’s-good aesthetic could be seen in the city skies, until a fateful clash with arch-nemesis Sincere Appreciation ended Pow!’s colourful career. The Wachowskis are interested.
The Existentialists
Overcome by angst [so hot right now!] following World War 2, the Existentialists fight an irrational universe with rational decisions. From the shadows, this dynamic duo (real identities: Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir) attack conformity and the bourgeois lifestyle with a mix of philosophical essays and guerrilla warfare. Though many super-teams have called upon the Existentialists in times of great need, the pair prefers to work alone, saying, “Hell is other people.” Simone’s splinter group, the Second Wave, are still carrying on her work [potential spin-off?].
Sonic the Herzog
This bright blue speedster is the perfect hero for kids and adults alike! Known for his bold adventures, Herzog can be found zipping through Green Hill Zone, or arduously dragging a boat over a mountain. With the help of his sassy sidekick, Kinski, Herzog can only be stopped by spikes, crabs, and the hubris of man.
These are the champions we need to see on our screens: academic, cerebral legends with all the verve and excitement of Year 11 English homework. And Phase 2 is even more exciting, featuring the primary-coloured antics of MondriAnt-Man, the metafictional destruction of David Foster Wallops, and the Jane Austen’s Pride and Extreme Prejudice. Stay tuned!
