In early March, I took a redundancy from my paid work. The whole process happened suddenly, and I experienced mixed emotions dealing with its effect on my life. On one level, I felt like absolute crap, feeling rejected with a palpable sense of professional defeat. On another level, I felt liberated, relieved to be free of a role that made me miserable, and sent me into a depression for several months in 2020.
My wife, Julia, and I agreed that when I took the redundancy, I would become a stay-at-home father and house husband, at least for a couple of months. Julia would go to full-time work. It wasn’t the first time I’d done the stay-at-home dad routine. I’d previously to look after my daughter and son when they were each babies. But this time was different. When I took parental leave, it was planned months ahead of time, included a specific start and end date, and came with encouragement from employers. However, this time I was trying to immerse myself in homelife 24/7 to be a fun, active, involved dad whilst unpacking and exploring my own drained emotional state, unsure of my immediate future.
Dealing with redundancy on a personal level is not easy, nor is talking openly about it to others
Dealing with redundancy on a personal level is not easy, nor is talking openly about it to others. Being an unemployed man at home with his kids cuts against the cultural grain of this country, even though there are in this position. Working men in Australia still face enormous pressure to be the primary breadwinner for their family. That pressure is partly financial - most men are unable to leave the workforce to care for their children because they are the in the family, instead sacrificing home time for yet ever more work (another compelling reason why the gender pay gap should be fixed).
But that breadwinner pressure is not just financial, it’s cultural. It’s deeply ingrained in our community - in our neighbourhoods, schools and childcare centres. Men feel a need to equate their identity to their breadwinning ability. Worse, our community still tends to assume men are not capable, confident, interested or even willing carers of their own children. Our pigeonholes fathers as ‘secondary carers’. I shouldn’t then be surprised the most common question I’m currently asked by well-intentioned individuals is, “So, when are you going back to work?".
Right now, redundancy defines who I am, but not in the way that people may assume. After processing my initial emotions of rejection, inadequacy and defeat in taking a redundancy, I’ve since realised that I’ve actually been gifted a unique opportunity in life. I’ve been able to refresh my mental and emotional health, and begin rebuilding my sense of self-esteem and crucially my self-belief. Instead of feeling robbed of my identity, I’ve rediscovered it by working in a totally different but personally meaningful way.
Rob with his kids. Source: Supplied
After processing my initial emotions of rejection, inadequacy and defeat in taking a redundancy, I’ve since realised that I’ve actually been gifted a unique opportunity in life
It’s in life’s routine, even mundane, tasks that I’ve found myself again. I can be productive, make a valuable contribution and role model gender equality for my kids. I get a big kick out of staying on top of our domestics and shouldering a lot more of the - keeping our house clean and tidy for the fam, and keeping their clothes neat and organised. I like my wife and kids being content and comfortable when they walk through the doors at the end of the day. I feel really satisfied seeing my kids chomping away on the meals I’ve planned and made for them. I’m thrilled that my daughter or son will bounce up to me in the morning to ask what games we are going to play today, or to excitedly offer their own ideas. And when they’re not at home, I like scanning around looking for ways to make our home a little bit more spacious and liveable, or getting through family paperwork, like school enrolment. Most importantly, I’m proud to see Julia making huge leaps in her career, taking more work trips and assuming extra responsibility because she knows she has more time and support for her ambitions.
Whatever I do next professionally, these will not have been languid, lost days. Redundancy has given me a chance to refresh my mind, find my self-belief and rediscover my drive. All that aside, I hope somewhere in their minds my children remember having Daddy at home busying about while Mummy worked hard providing for the family. May it offer some lessons to them about what boys and girls can do when we challenge stereotypes.
