When I was 10 years old I got teased by the other students for having long, skinny legs. They called me names like ‘daddy long legs’, ‘hockey sticks’, and ‘ugly’. They said I looked like a boy, which made me cry, and meant I hated going to school. As a young person, I didn’t understand why people could be so mean without being provoked. That was bullying, now I know – but back then I had no clue.
I became insecure from that early age and found it difficult to say anything to anyone. In my teens, I continued to hate my body and struggled with poor self-esteem and body image issues. I was afraid of looking in the mirror because I was ugly and skinny. I cried a lot but hid the pain from everyone and always pretended to be happy and smiling. I was burning with self-hate, and the pain inside was killing me.
My insecurities motivated me to gain the big comeback muscles necessary to join a modelling agency and become a model after high school. I wanted to feel beautiful even though back in the day being a model in Kenya was considered unethical because people didn’t understand the advertising industry or believed it was another form of prostitution.
Katinda Ndola in her early modelling days. Source: Supplied
I went through the phone directory looking for modelling agencies and at the time there were only two agencies in the whole of Nairobi. I rang them and got invited to go for an audition. I was nervous and discovered the industry was cutthroat, and above all, the girls were unkind.
I entered beauty pageants and got many assignments for billboard advertising, magazine editorials, and even TV commercials. At that stage, my confidence muscles were rising, and I began to appreciate myself a little more. However, life has a way of teaching you lessons, and setbacks are part of life.
I found myself trying too hard to please others, because of my deeply-rooted beliefs of not feeling worthy of love. When a man said to me “you are beautiful” I wanted to believe it, even though deep inside me I felt it was not true.
Katinda Ndola in her early 20's. Source: Supplied
I ended up in relationships with people who didn’t see any value in me, and it took me many years to recognise that loving myself first was the key to everything.
When I came to Australia I continued with my modelling career, and it was then that I got the ‘aha’ moment. I realised my long legs were a blessing in disguise. In Kenya, to be considered beautiful you had to have a fuller figure, have a pretty face and funky hairdo.
However the Australian advertising industry did not embrace ethnic standards of beauty. This was before diversity became a buzzword. Every agency I tried to sign up with knocked me back telling me that they were looking for the ‘girl next door’ look. What did that even mean?
Others said to me that Australians only liked blonde blue-eyed women. It was hard to get work, however being a minority there were advantages when big overseas production companies came to shoot in Australia. I remember finally being signed up with an agency and going to auditions and - yes it was cut-throat and very competitive too. My self-esteem was shattered because I felt rejected, isolated and judged for my uniqueness.
I stopped modelling when I turned 30 to focus on personal development.
As a woman who struggled with low self-esteem for over 20 years, I’m still a work in progress. I learnt from the gurus how to conquer my fears, and how to overcome feelings of low self-esteem. I spent many days reading and searching for answers to the void and accumulated neglect that I felt. They say the answers are already within you and one day when I said enough is enough, I came across this affirmation “I Am Enough” online. This happened after my 12-year relationship broke down and I was searching for meaning and purpose to alleviate my existential anxiety.
Katinda Ndola as a young model. Source: Supplied
I broke down and cried because I never believed that I was enough of anything. I made it my daily mantra saying it in front of my mirror. When I start to slide back to negative thoughts I quickly remind myself that I am enough.
I have the “I am enough” statement written all over my bathroom mirrors with a red lipstick, on post-it notes, the fridge and even in my car just to keep me inspired. I have a few friends who came to my house and when they went to my bedroom and bathroom, they started looking at me with that funny look of, ‘sister have you lost your mind?’
When they asked me what cult I was part of, I explained the method to my madness. It inspired everybody in the circle. I always wear my “I am enough” T-shirt and every time it brings a smile to someone’s face because they always ask, what’s my story? I love to see others smile because they believe in themselves.
Today, Katinda Ndola is a public speaker and body positivity advocate. Source: Supplied
I wake up every day inspired and grateful for the woman I have become. I feel fabulous about myself, my body and practice a lot of self-love to ensure I have my cup full. My confidence level has soared and as a result I inspire other women through public speaking to reclaim their power.
There are two things I would say to my younger self back in Kenya. First, you cannot love another person unless you love yourself first. Secondly, life is a journey with bumps, detours, roadblocks and every setback prepares you for your big comeback.
Katinda Ndola is a public speaker and former model. You can follow Katinda on Twitter
