When Frankie Fong arrived in Australia with his wife six years ago, he expected cultural differences, but not that they could cause conflict. When Tina fell pregnant, the advice from health professionals here sometimes contradicted traditions from Malaysia, leaving them with a difficult decision – follow “western” advice and risk offending their families, or stick with practices that differed to Australian recommendations.
When Tina gave birth to Hayley last July, Frankie’s parents insisted she adhere to the confinement period practised in Malaysia. “My wife didn’t get to leave the house for one month, and my parents came all the way to take care of her,” says Frankie, a PhD student at the University of Queensland. “Whereas doctors here said ‘no, you shouldn’t do that. You should go out.’ It’s very hard when the parents are around and they insist that you should follow the [ways] that people would practice back home.”
Tina, Frankie and baby Hayley. Source: Supplied
Tina, an early childhood educator turned full-time mum, was content to follow these ways, but selectively. “For the really traditional way we shouldn’t be washing our hair for a month,” she says. “But I broke the rule – I washed after about two weeks because I couldn’t stand it for a month.”
It’s very hard when the parents are around and they insist that you should follow the [ways] that people would practice back home.
She also followed Malaysian eating traditions, which recommend a pregnant woman’s body be kept warm to assist blood circulation. Tina had to avoid cold drinks, ice-cream, cold foods and salads. Instead, she ate traditional meals – like pork knuckle with ginger, and chicken cooked with rice wine – and drank ginger, goji berry and date teas.
They didn’t do everything the traditional way, however. In Malaysia, there is a belief that “wind” can harm a baby, so parents clothe them fully for about six months. “They should be wearing long sleeves and covering up so the wind doesn’t go in. And [covering] their head,” Tina says. “But I followed the Australian way – just dress [Hayley] according to the weather and not necessarily long sleeves, especially on a hot summer day.”
Nor did they prevent Hayley from self-soothing by sucking her fingers, which is frowned upon in Malaysia. And they followed Australian advice to feed Hayley exclusively on breastmilk, whereas in Malaysia parents give their babies water as well.
Tina and Frankie managed to navigate cultural parenting differences with relationships intact, but for some families, the conflict runs deeper.
Many parents from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds struggle with aspects of parenting considered normal in the dominant Australian culture.
Penny Costa is the co-ordinator of the bicultural support program at Sydney’s Ethnic Community Services Co-operative (ECSC). She explains that many parents from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds struggle with aspects of parenting considered normal in the dominant Australian culture.
One difficult area is putting children into childcare. Costa explains that the usual anxiety about taking this step is multiplied for CALD parents, because “they fear that [their cultural practices] won’t be maintained or recognised in the early childhood service.”
It’s even harder for families with a history of trauma or separation. Costa tells the story of an Aboriginal grandmother who reluctantly brought her grandchild to a childcare centre each day. The ECSC arranged for an Aboriginal support worker to get involved. It turned out the grandmother was a member of the Stolen Generation; with no identifying papers, and an understandable fear of leaving her grandchild with strangers.
Another family struggled when their adopted Korean twins weren’t adjusting well to childcare. “Initially the children were very withdrawn; they would not participate; they wouldn’t eat,” Costa says. “Our worker went to the service, started speaking Korean, singing Korean nursery rhymes, eating Korean food with the utensils Koreans used. The children…immediately connected with that, and felt that their identity and culture is valued. That was adopted back into their own home.”
Frankie says choosing parenting practices was a balancing act weighted towards following Malaysian culture out of respect for their community, unless western evidence convinced them otherwise, saying “that’s when we would follow the Australian way.”
