I let age rule the better part of my life. Each birthday signified my failure to secure a husband, children and a mortgage. At least that was the goal at 23. Can you imagine the devastation when 28 arrived, and my two-carat Tiffany Soleste Diamond Ring and Prince Charming was nowhere in sight?
They say insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result. And so, as I entered my 30s, I applied double the pressure to bag 'the one'. Against my better judgement, I got engaged to a man I knew wasn't the love of my life. I rationalised I was 31, he was good with money, and passion was overrated. Thank God for common sense. I managed to dodge a bullet by calling off the wedding. Of course, I love to live on the edge, and I let turning 36 take me down the same road. This time I ignored red flags and remained faithful to 'he's great on paper'.
Completely gutted by the ordeal, I took a break from relationships. I no longer knew who I was. Instead of listening to my intuition, I made poor decisions based on a fear of ageing. During a period of reflection, I came across the speech Tracee Ellis Ross delivered at . It's a speech I keep close by whenever my internal chatter takes a dark turn.
“I dreamed about being chosen by a powerful, sexy, kind man who had full lips and gave good hugs and having baby boy named Lauren.
But…I also dreamed of winning an Oscar and being on the cover of magazines and making a difference in the world, helping women find our voices. And from that dreaming, I have built an incredible life. I have become a woman that I am proud to be.”
What I learnt from Tracee's speech was my ability to build an incredible life outside of societal norms. An existence filled with carefully chosen people I trust and respect. I stepped into the world of entrepreneurship – in an industry with no formal education. I am travelling the globe; meeting new people, visiting places that light me up. These aren't small feats. Although I haven't been in a long-term relationship the better part of my life, I have been achieving other things. Such as, working through intergenerational trauma, waving goodbye to panic attacks and saying NO to people and situations that no longer serve me.
Singledom is not the plague.
Singledom is not the plague. . I think of it as playtime. A playground to discover what I like and don't like, what sets my soul on fire. What are my deal breakers? Yes, admittedly the better part of me wants to be in a committed union but going solo has allowed me to face my demons. In all honesty, I was in no state to be in a relationship in the last 15 years. Time gives you perspective.
On the phone with my sister the other day I had an epiphany: the time it's taken me to meet the self-assured person I am today. Other people my age are already divorced, on to their second marriage. These same adults might not have had the freedom and independence to sort through their emotional baggage before entering into marriage or becoming parents, therein passing on unresolved issues to their partner and children. By all means, this is not to criticise others. It's another way of looking at singledom when external pressures label you as 'less than'.
In retrospect, I wasted a lot of years worrying about life events that come when the time is right
In retrospect, I wasted a lot of years worrying about life events that come when the time is right. Sadly, I lost my brother to suicide; he was only 24. I often wonder if he held on a little longer what type of man he'd be today. And here I was taking my age, and time on this earth for granted. The fact is I am still here living, breathing and learning.
What I have gained (knock on wood) is 40 more years to learn about myself and others. To show up in my friendships and relationships as a whole person, and pour into my community with what love, knowledge and resources I can share.
We exist in a world that glorifies how young, fresh and relevant we are. Ego reminds us we are a 'has been' whereas maturity delights in what is yet to come.
What I do know is age is a mindset, and time is my most valuable currency.
is the Editor and Founder of — Australia’s first digital lifestyle platform for women of colour.
