I was 22 or 23 when I first tried Crystal Meth. My younger sister and I knew a man who was cooking it. They did it every day and she urged me to try it.
I’d already tried other drugs. I did MDMA when I was 21 and I was doing that once a month because it was expensive back then. I was never a big drinker - I tried, but it just made me feel terrible. I never liked weed either.
But meth was the best thing I had ever known. It gave me a false sense of reward and power. I could do anything while I was high on methamphetamine.
As soon as I had tried it I was hooked. I got back to Sydney from overseas and I sent a message out to everyone in my phone who I knew used drugs to ask if anyone could get methamphetamine for me.
Meth gives your body a huge reward of dopamine for doing nothing. It gave me the biggest buzz and you only had to smoke a small amount. It gave me so much energy and motivation. I could do also actually my job better and for longer hours.
But the comedowns are horrendous. I felt so flat and didn’t want to be a part of life. You just want to sleep, and you feel uncomfortable in your own skin for up to two weeks afterwards. I had to go to work still and deal with all of that.
So almost immediately it spilled over into my week as well. To begin with I was just spending $300 a week for my friends and me, but eventually it increased to $1000 a week just for myself.
But I could only afford to buy it all the time because I was working in investment banking. I never had credit cards, never got in debt, I was earning enough to do it.
And I thought why not, I’m young. When I found it, I never wanted to do anything else again. I didn’t bother with drink or cocaine again after that - there was no point.
I thought, I’ve found the thing that makes life okay.
I was sexually abused as a child and so I’d always felt a lack of power - it had been taken away from me by someone bigger and older. Meth gave me a false sense of power back.
I was sexually abused as a child and so I’d always felt a lack of power - it had been taken away from me by someone bigger and older. Meth gave me a false sense of power back.
I hid it from everyone, though. It doesn’t smell. I never did it at work, but I did it in solariums and the toilets at McDonalds.
I’d smoke it before work, top up at lunchtime, then try and sleep and eat when I got home at night. If I needed a smoke at home I’d say I had diarrhoea and go to the bathroom, so my boyfriend would not wonder why I was spending an inordinate amount of time locked in the toilet.
Lots of my friends were doing it. Mostly at the weekend, but some did it through the week like me. Lawyers and successful people.
It carried on like that for 14 years. Eight of those years I was in a really high-pressured job.
Of course there were problems, but not enough to make me stop. My teeth didn’t fall out and I didn’t have scabs on my face. So it was okay. It didn’t matter that my mind was wired like a nuclear bomb.
My sleeping and eating were always affected. I was below weight but I didn’t have any bad health issues.
I think I could have been piling up problems for the future though.
Gradually other drugs crept in as well - things to help me sleep and take the edge off comedowns.
Gradually other drugs crept in as well - things to help me sleep and take the edge off comedowns.
All the time I had a decent job I was okay. When I eventually I stopped working, I had a fairly wealthy boyfriend who was also into drugs and so things continued for a while.
But then he got clean and encouraged me to do the same. He knew what it was doing to him and knew he had to stop. He also said we couldn’t be together if I didn’t go into recovery. I didn’t have a job and was starting to struggle a bit mentally by then, so I’d possibly have been homeless.
So in 2015 I first went to rehab. I didn’t take it seriously, though. I behaved stupidly and was just trying to be funny all the time. I wasn’t doing it for myself.
As soon as I came out, I gobbled a handful of my ADHD medication. I did it behind my boyfriend’s back and continued to do so.
A councilor approached me at the rehab and could see I needed to do rehab properly. He told me to get 90 days off the meth and then come back. He wanted to see I could behave. So I stopped meth completely for 90 days then, but I was taking other medication - anything to relieve me of myself.
I went back to rehab and this time I wanted to do it more for myself, but I couldn’t stop.
My boyfriend and I then had a relapse together on cocaine and this time it was awful. I ended up in a psychiatric ward because I was threatening to take my life. I was in a terrible state. There were police and ambulances called. I was not the same person from 14 years before.
My then boyfriend got sober from that point and has never used again.
I carried on taking prescription meds. Doctors were happy to give me what I wanted. They just saw my history of trauma and never questioned why I needed the meds. I never went to a dealer again.
I carried on taking prescription meds. Doctors were happy to give me what I wanted. They just saw my history of trauma and never questioned why I needed the meds.
But I wanted to stop.
Then in 2017 I started taking recovery really seriously. I went to AA, because although drugs were my problem, my behaviour is like that of an alcoholic. I got a great sponsor and had two years clean and sober of everything.
Ironically I relapsed after two years, by having a beer at an airport. Some story I told myself about being sad to say goodbye to my niece.
Since then I’ve been on and off prescription meds, but with a real desire to be sober.
I suffer from depression and get very tired. My dopamine is depleted and I struggle psychologically and physically. I’ve reacted badly to every anti-depressant I’ve been prescribed.
Gradually things are improving though and I’ve been clean of everything for six months. I’ve got a good job, a good partner, lots of friends and lead a more simple life.
As well as the effects on my body, I really regret the money I’ve spent - I’ve wasted so much.
And who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t had a great job? Would I have turned to crime? I honestly don’t know. I was never in a situation where I couldn’t have Meth.
I’d have done anything.
Now I’m in recovery I could never see myself doing it. I lead a simple and spiritual life. Even if nothing terrible happened to me personally back then, nothing good comes of smoking Ice.
I dodged a bullet. But most people don’t.
Mentally I struggle. I take my ADHD medication by correct dosage. I do urine drug analysis tests for my psychiatrist.
If I hadn’t had good luck, great friends and good jobs I wouldn’t still be here.
*Real name is not used.
Renata is 39 years old and has been in recovery for drug addiction since 2015.
Renata shared her story with an SBS Voices writer.
For crisis support: Lifeline 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au. For alcohol and drug support: 1800 250 015 counsellingonline.org.au. For gambling support: 1800 858 858 or gamblinghelponline.org.au
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