Growing up, I was a shy child. I would often hang back, listen, and thoroughly assess who and what was in front of me before I’d feel at ease enough to join in or say something. Admittedly, I didn’t really see it as anything to be concerned about until one day, I was asked why I was so shy in such a way that it implied something was wrong with me. From that day onwards it’s been something I’ve been conscious about, maybe overly so.
My three-year-old son is now going through the same thing. While he’s quite happy to chat to people he knows, he exhibits traits of being a slow-to-warm up child. When faced with an unfamiliar setting and people he doesn’t know, he requires a lot of time, and a fair bit of coaxing and encouragement to join in. This means that whenever he meets someone new, he’ll often end up sitting on my lap, burying his head into my shoulders, until he eventually looks up and slowly considers joining in. Onlookers aren’t entirely sure what to do with him, so they kindly try and make him comfortable with over enthusiasm, which in turn makes him retreat even more.
When faced with an unfamiliar setting and people he doesn’t know, he requires a lot of time, and a fair bit of coaxing and encouragement to join in.
Having experienced how he’s feeling first hand, I’m slowly figuring out how to best help him to navigate his way through it, as I know it’s a lot harder than simply just joining in. I don’t want to force him to do anything he’s uncomfortable with but at the same time I know the world tends to favour those who are social and outgoing so I want him to feel confident around other people.
I’ve never liked being the centre of attention, and have always been a listener rather than a talker. It’s not always something that’s valued but I’ve found you learn so much more about people and what’s around you by taking it all in. Being able to genuinely listen is and can be an extremely powerful thing. It’s not to say that over the years, I haven’t had to push myself to be vocal, to have to come out of my shell. From nerve-wracking uni presentations to having to speak up during meetings at work, I’ve had to work to break through the shyness. And it’s something I know my son will have to do too.
I know there is still a long road ahead, but he’s already showing signs that even if he is slow-to-warm-up, it doesn’t mean he won’t have the courage to eventually overcome it. He started pre-school recently, and prior to his first day I was worried about how he would be in such new surroundings. Would he cry? Would he refuse to go in? But as I held his little hand and guided him into the classroom, taking one timid step at a time, he looked around and found the courage to let go of my hand. I know how difficult it was for him, how scared he must have been but I couldn’t have been prouder at how he handled himself, and how he summoned up the bravery to tackle such an unfamiliar situation head on.
Ultimately I’m trying to find the right balance of trying to help build his confidence, but at the same time, ensuring he knows that the way he is is nothing to be ashamed of.
Ultimately I’m trying to find the right balance of trying to help build his confidence, but at the same time, ensuring he knows that the way he is is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s difficult to juggle, as sometimes I find myself overcompensating for his shyness by speaking for him, as I don’t want others to judge him the way they did me. As his mother, I want him to be confident enough to be able to hold his own in any social situation. But I also want him to know that that there is also something to be said for being the quiet one. The one who takes the time to listen, and give people the chance to speak and be heard. There’s a comfort that comes from people who are genuine listeners and it’s something I’ve come to realise is a strength rather than a weakness.
My son is still young. At three, he still has a lifetime of growth and change ahead of him. The years ahead may show that he becomes a man who is the complete opposite of who he is now. My job now is not to push him to be someone he’s not, nor is it to let him completely sidestep situations that will really test him and challenge him to grow. My role is to not let my own struggles interfere with how I parent. As his mother I am his safe place when he needs it and in turn, hopefully by being there for him, it will give him the courage and confidence to find his own way. To not let his shyness hinder him from doing whatever it is he wants to do. But shy, outgoing, quiet or life of the party, it’s entirely up to him.
Tania Gomez is a freelance writer.
