I was in my happy place, Bondi Beach, so it felt strange to be this nervous. My heart raced. A vein pulsated on my forehead. My face felt hot – not because of sunburn, but in anticipation of what I was about to do: wear budgie smugglers in public for the first time.
As I peeled off each layer of clothing, my body responded accordingly. My butt cheeks clenched. My stomach sucked in and my chest puffed out. My face assumed an “I’m totally chill” expression as I tiptoed towards the ocean’s edge. But inside, I was quietly fighting.
For years, I had convinced myself I didn’t have the body to wear budgie smugglers, even though I eat relatively healthily and go to the gym regularly. Being gay was, ironically, one of the biggest reasons I’d shied away from wearing them. On the gay scene, in the pink media and in ads targeted at gay men, the bodies I see often don’t look like mine. They’re mostly hairless and chiselled, which I’m not.
One quintessential Australian brand of budgie smugglers has the slogan: “If you doubt yourself, wear something else.” It’s a bold statement. I did doubt myself, which is why I avoided them for so long!
Admittedly, my beachwear had grown shorter and shorter over the years. Board shorts had become sporty swim shorts. Sporty swim shorts had become tiny shorts. They in turn had become trunks that finished high on the thigh. But I still lacked the courage to wear budgie smugglers – they seemed so exhibitionist. I usually go to the beach or pool to relax, not to feel on show.
“Budgie smuggler” is such a vivid and descriptive term. Who wants to look like they’ve smuggled a budgie down some tiny, tight-fitting pants? It sounds the opposite of sexy. In the United Kingdom, where I’m from, we call them “speedos”.
In popular culture, they’re seen as being either only for the uber-confident, or a bit of a joke. When Tony Abbott wore them non-ironically, I joined in the merciless lampoonery. But secretly, I wished I had his nonchalance.
Taking the leap with a friend. Source: Supplied
One day, I saw a man on the beach who had an almost identical body shape to mine. He was wearing budgie smugglers, and I found him very attractive. Yet I deemed my own body unacceptable. At that point, I realised I had mild : I was too focused on my perceived defects and overlooked my assets, such as my friendly smile that makes me more approachable than those pouting, muscled models you often see.
I decided to call time on my double standard and don some skimpy smugglers at the ripe old age of 38.
I finally found the courage to plunge into the ocean wearing nothing but a handkerchief-sized piece of Lycra
I roped in a gay friend to help me choose my first pair. We settled on some with an ibis pattern on them. I have an irrational, deep-seated fear of ibises, so wearing them on my body is a way to confront my fears – both of “bin chickens” and any perceived body flaws.
That day on the beach in Bondi, I finally found the courage to plunge into the ocean wearing nothing but a handkerchief-sized piece of Lycra. The relief of full submersion slowed my pulse, cooled my body and calmed my racing mind.
When I emerged from the water, my anxiety evaporated with the mist from a breaking wave. I hadn’t been laughed at or body shamed. In fact, nobody cared an iota about what I was wearing. The reality is that most people are too fixated on their own body hang-ups to care about what others look like.
As I let that anticlimax absorb into the pores of my sun-kissed skin, my gait turned into a strut back to my towel, reflecting my newfound bravado.
With kicking off this week, there’ll be lots of people working out and talk of “no carbs before Mards”. But these days, my give-a-f**k level is almost zero.
It has taken me almost 40 years to realise that all body shapes look good in budgie smugglers. It’s about confidence and the way you “own it”, and has nothing to do with your body size.
Now we just need the marketeers to catch up.
Check out SBS On Demand’s specially curated this month and next, to celebrate Sydney WorldPride.
Gary Nunn is an author and journalist. Follow him on Twitter
