Wedding planning is a logistical nightmare. It’s an endless sea of overpriced and over-exuberant fixtures and hires, where every waking moment is a constant battle between wondering if paying hundreds of dollars for tiny gifts or fairy lights is worth it, or if there’s a point to any of this at all.
In that way, it’s remarkably like suffering from anxiety and depression.
But amidst the logistical chaos, a silver lining has emerged: All this wedding planning might be helping me manage my anxiety and depression. It seems antithetical – that something that involves so many variables and moving parts could have a net benefit. But the need to keep a running plan and schedule, to create a framework for the next weeks and months, and to constantly work towards a set goal, has helped steady my mind and clear my head.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2007, after attempting to take my own life at the age of 16. I’ve since gone through five psychiatrists, a never-ending cycle of changing antidepressants and dropped out of university twice. Yet despite this, I found love in 2010, through a mutual friend. What started as a friendship over our love of indie music, Breaking Bad, and Tumblr evolved into a romance that was patient, consensual, kind and loving.
All the goals of wedding planning appeared to, coincidentally, line up with the goals of a lot of my behavioural therapy.
The struggles with my mental illness never stopped, however. The voices in my head would often tell me that I don't deserve love, that my partner would leave at any second, and that if she does, I only have myself to blame. But in 2015, taking a stand against the voices in my head, I decided to propose to her. Thankfully, she said yes.
Ever since, our home has slowly transformed into a factory of wedding errands. From choosing a likeable-yet-inoffensive playlist of reception songs to deciding which third cousin to invite, modern weddings are designed as a gauntlet of anxiety, putting potential couples through several tests of mental and emotional stress to see if they can survive.
It was too easy, at these early stages, to let my anxiety and depression take over. Even the simple act of scouring chair hire companies seemed downright scary. Simply logging off and tuning out was, at that point, the easier option. The constant nudges and whispers to elope from both my mind and the outside world didn’t help either.
But at some stage, between our umpteenth wedding venue site inspection and building a dedicated Google Drive folder, something strange happened. I was overcome with a sense of calm and clarity. And I noticed that the stresses that most people associate with wedding planning were having the opposite effect on me.
All the goals of wedding planning appeared to, coincidentally, line up with the goals of a lot of my behavioural therapy.
Setting a proper, tangible goal has given me a sense of long-desired clearness.
Take, for example, the need for proper scheduling and time management, the psychological benefits of which are well documented. With our wedding months away, managing my time has gone from being a desirable outcome to a necessity. If my partner and I don't plan for every dollar and every hour over the next week or month, it may mean missing out on booking our preferred vendor, or not having the money for a deposit or down payment. For some, this would seem like a recipe for a stress-related breakdown. But for me, the result has been nothing short of positive.
Setting a proper, tangible goal has given me a sense of long-desired clearness. Life with anxiety and depression can often feel meandering, hopeless, and straight-up nihilistic. But the constant reminder that potentially one of the important days in your entire life is just around the corner invigorates me in ways I still don’t understand. The need to work on the Big Day has given me the vigour to get out of bed in the morning in a way few other things have.
Most importantly, all this planning, financing, and scheduling has reminded me of what is important in my life: my partner and future wife, and the relationship we have together. Building a clear framework around an event that celebrates us feels like a confirmation of something my own mind often fights against: that our love exists, is real, and is way stronger than any illness or ailment.
Anyone seeking support and information about anxiety or depression can contact Lifeline on 131 114 or beyondblue on 1300 22 46 36.
