A few weeks ago I met up for brunch with two friends. One brought his dog along, and we sat overlooking the busy street, chattering and eating, as the greyhound slept beside us. We talked between us about everything that had been going on – breakups, work, travels – just normal friend things – and I left feeling overwhelmingly loved and grateful for these two wonderful mates of mine.
These two men used to live together, but I met them both separately – one a few years ago when we went on three dates, and one at the start of last year when we went on one date. Nothing romantic or sexual ever eventuated with either of them, but I enjoyed their company so much platonically that we decided to stay friends. Not in a platitudinal attempt to soften the blow of rejection – in a real and lasting way.
To some people, this may seem strange. My cousin recently told me that if he went on a Tinder date and the girl only wanted to be friends, he’d be embarrassed, devastated and not interested. Many people have “looking for friends” on their online dating profiles, which often draws derision from others – why would you come to a place like that to find something that others aren’t looking for, like entering a butchery and asking if they’ve got anything vegan?
We’re all looking for different things, and sometimes along the way we find something unexpected but equally valuable; sometimes people have a singular vision or goal, and that’s completely understandable too.
But to me, it makes perfect sense, and in fact, my greatest successes from online dating have been the friends I’ve ended up making, even though that was never my intention. Over the last four years, I’ve been on more dates than I could even try to recount. While many of those have become mediocre relationships and worse breakups, there are the people I’ve kept around – the brief dalliances where it quickly became apparent we would be better friends, the ones that never progressed romantically past one meeting – who bring so much value to my life, from one friend who I write and play music with, to another who I’m always genuinely thrilled to unexpectedly run into in our neighbourhood, and all the others in between.
When I started going on dates with women for the first time at the start of last year, the lines felt even more blurred, as someone who was just beginning to explore that side of my sexuality. And while nothing has taken off in that department dating-wise, I’ve been thrilled to connect with awesome women, some of whom have become my closest friends. Navigating this new part of my life has often been confronting and tricky, but having these new cheerleaders by my side every step of the way has made it so much less lonely.
As an adult, making friends often feels so much harder, when everyone is busy and it seems like there are less and less avenues through which to meet new people. It makes more sense to me, now almost 30, that approaching meetings from online dating as simply ways to meet a new person, rather than a major passionate affair, is a much smarter way to do it. After all, there are many stars that need to align for a romantic partnership to click in the right way – but if someone doesn’t quite tick all your boxes romantically, it doesn’t necessarily write them off altogether.
Writer Giselle Au-Nhien Nguyen. Source: Jessica Bialkowsk
Of course, it’s not always this easy, especially when you want one thing and the other person wants something else – wires can be easily crossed, feelings can be easily hurt. But that’s why communication and honesty and openness are all so important. I’ve been on dates where I wasn’t feeling it but did want to be friends, and offered friendship to someone who then told me they didn’t want it – and that’s okay! Some people are on these platforms because they’d like to find someone to seriously date, and aren’t open to platonic connections. We’re all looking for different things, and sometimes along the way we find something unexpected but equally valuable; sometimes people have a singular vision or goal, and that’s completely understandable too.
Recently I was unwell, and one of my brunch friends came over with a care package for me, filled with some of my favourite things. We sat at my kitchen table while I sniffled incessantly, and he told me about the girl he’d been seeing, and I told him about my crushes and what I was working on. I felt so incredibly thankful for such a kind, reliable and thoughtful friend. Although we have many mutual friends, without matching and going on a date we may never have actually met.
While I’m still yet to find a lasting romantic connection, I’ll always be glad that I swiped right on him, and so many of my other “failed” dates – I would have missed out on so much otherwise.
Giselle Au-Nhien Nguyen is a freelancer writer. You can follow her on Twitter
