Key Points
- Diana was emotionally and sexually abused by her former husband.
- Her husband forced Diana to join him in a swinging lifestyle.
- Diana managed to escape her husband, and is building a new life with her children.
(*Note: The interview with Diana (a pseudonym) was conducted in Filipino. Her story might be triggering to some.)
Listen to the podcast
Breaking our Silence Episode 4: Sexual Abuse
SBS Filipino
28/10/202419:28
"I knew there was something off about him; but I so desperately wanted to have a family because I never had that."
A family was all that Diana* ever wanted — to have a husband who loved her and to raise children in a good home.
But after separating from her first husband whom she met when she was 20, she immediately clung to the Australian man she met and fell in love with despite feeling that there was something "off" about him.
"We were okay in the beginning, but after a year of me moving to Australia and being married, his demeanour shifted."
'I wasn't allowed to talk in Filipino'
Diana claimed that her husband became verbally and emotionally abusive. She said the abuse was so frequent, she started accepting it as "normal".
"For the five years we were together, the abuse was a daily occurrence. I told him 'Don't kiss me with the same mouth you curse me with.' I cried all the time, but I also accepted it as normal."
Aside from the emotional and verbal abuse, Diana claimed that her husband also didn't allow her to cook Filipino food, to be friends with other Filipinos or to talk in the Filipino language.
He said that if I talked in Filipino, I would lose my ability to speak in English. I didn't question that because I thought he knew better.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
"I could tolerate that abuse. What came after...I couldn't handle it."
'He had his fantasies'
It was in 2020, during the height of COVID, wherein Diana claimed that her husband forced her to take part in his "fantasies".
I knew he had his 'fantasies'. I guess that's normal for others, but it's not something I was used to. He wanted me to join him in swinging.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
Broadly, swinging is defined as partner swapping between couples, or couples bringing other singles to bed with them.
While this type of sexual activity or non-monogamous lifestyle is not illegal in Australia, it has consent as its foundation.
Diana agreed to join her husband's swinging lifestyle but said that she did so out of fear.
I was so scared that if I didn't agree to join, that would mean the end of my family, so I said to him that I needed to get drunk first before going with him. I couldn't do it sober.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
"When we went to do what we did, I told him 'I'm your wife and you don't respect me. Why are you doing this — forcing me to be with other people?'"
According to Family Law Expert Atty Jesil Cajes, sexual abuse and assault occur even within the context of a marriage.
"In Australia, marriage does not give a partner the right to force any form of sexual activity. Consent is required every time, regardless of marital status. If one partner is coerced or forced into sexual acts against their will, it’s considered sexual assault, even within a marriage," Atty Cajes said.
Diana shared she had only agreed to engage in swinging once, but said her husband pushed for regularity.
I told him that it was better if I was just working as a w**** because at least I would be earning money from it, that at least there was something in it for me.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
"He w****d me out to other people and all I got from it was pain and torment."
From the outside, Diana said that people thought they were the perfect family because fights in the home weren't explosive.
"I didn't fight back with the ferocity he had because as a Filipino, I was taught not to yell at my husband and my English was just not up to par as his.
He would yell and curse at me, but the language barrier just meant I lost even before I started.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
She was scared of the prospect that her own family would make fun of her situation.
"No one knew about my situation at home. I didn't tell my own family because I knew they would laugh at me and say, 'Your husband is so handsome, why would you complain?' They looked at him as this straight family man, not knowing that he actually liked sleeping around with both men and women."
'I didn't realise it was sexual assault'
Ashamed of herself and fearful of a dark future, Diana decided to seek help.
"I called a helpline. I told the woman at the other end about the verbal abuse, about how my husband forced me to sleep with other men as he watched. I just told her my story, not knowing what help could be available to me.
She paused and told me that I was being sexually assaulted. I didn't have the right words for it — but she made me realise, that yes I was.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
Along with her young children, Diana decided to leave the home she shared with her husband.
The decision to leave, according to psychologist Manna Maniago, was the only way Diana would escape the abuse.
“To break free from an abusive relationship, the desire must come from within the victim. It’s crucial for her to make the decision and affirm to herself that she no longer wishes to remain in that situation," Maniago shared.
Getting worse before getting better
"When I left, I didn't realise that part of the process was getting swabbed by a doctor in the emergency room."
I was so scared that my results would say that I had AIDS. I was so worried that I would die and leave my children behind; but at the same time, I wanted to jump [off a bridge] and end it all.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
She said that a confused mental state and what she described as a need for validation led her to partake in the swinging lifestyle after she left.
"I was angry. I felt humiliated. I wanted to get back at him, to take back the power he stole from me. So I went back to the website where he used to take me — to the world of swinging. I thought if I had control this time, it would make me feel better.”
I thought if I did it on my own terms...if I chose to be with other people, it would heal me. But the more I did it, the emptier I felt.Diana, Domestic abuse survivor
Diana shared that by doing this, she had hurt herself more, and soon realised that she and her children deserved better.
She eventually found refuge in a housing facility and secured a stable job.
"I'm now able to go home without feeling anxious. I sleep peacefully, I have my own money and, I can provide my children with a good life.
"I'm thankful every day that I made the call to seek help. It saved my life. My children and I are still in therapy and working through the trauma, but it feels amazing to be free."
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, report it to the police through 000 and through the National Sexual Assault Family and Domestic Violence Counselling Line 1800 – RESPECT or 1800-737-732.
