Imagine you're sitting around the table at Christmas lunch and having a lovely time, when one of your relatives says something problematic.
It could be , , , , , , , or something else blatantly discriminatory or simply untrue.
Should you call them out, or try to keep the peace?
SBS News asked a relationships expert and philosopher for their advice.
Think before you react
While it's only natural to react immediately to a comment that causes an emotional response, it’s important to exercise some self-control.
Dr Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW and clinical and counselling psychologist, said that will give you time to consider whether engaging with the person who’s said the controversial thing will be worth your time and energy.
"Do you think they have any particular motivation, or are they just speaking off the cuff in a thoughtless way?" she said.
Dr Shaw said if you know the person is being deliberately provocative to get a rise out of you, effective strategies can include not engaging, distracting and deflecting, or telling them that you know what they’re trying to do.
"Sometimes calling out what's happening rather than zooming in on the content can be safer," she said.
"You could even sort of in a more teasing way, say, 'You usually get me on a comment like that, but this year, I'm not biting', so you actually diffuse it in a way that registers that the comment was a problem, but that you're actively choosing not to engage."
Tim Dean, senior philosopher at The Ethics Centre, said you should also consider if you will have other opportunities to address the issue that won’t ruin everyone else's day.
"A lot of the things that we debate over the dinner table don't affect the family, the space, the people, the relationships," he said.
"Sometimes it's better to have a good relationship with [a relative] than it is to just be in a state of conflict with them, where even resolving that conflict and proving that you're right is not going to make the world a better place, it's just going to make everybody angry."
Addressing the issue without starting a fight
If you decide it's an issue that needs to be addressed then and there, Mr Dean suggests that instead of offering a contrary point of view, try asking the person a question like "Why do you think that?", "What do you mean by that?", or "Can you explain your views on this more?".
"That does three things. One is it stops you from immediately creating a conflict situation; secondly, it gives you a fighting chance of actually understanding a bit more nuance about where their views are coming from; and third, and possibly most importantly, it signals respect of the other person," he said.
Mr Dean said the next thing you should do is validate how they feel without necessarily validating what they believe.
"If somebody says something that's really obviously outrageous, you can ask 'So why do you say that?'," he said.
"You can then respond to say, 'Wow, I didn't realise that you felt so strongly about this, I think I understand your position a lot better now' - that's validating how they feel, but you haven't agreed with them."
Doing that will hopefully change the tone of the conversation to be less of a confrontation and more like a deliberation, Mr Dean said.
"At that point, there might be a chance for you to say, 'Okay, well, I just see things differently', or 'In my experience, what I've seen is this…', to give 'I' statements about how you experience the world," he said.
"Sometimes just offering that perspective can be enough to have people pause and reflect upon their own assumptions, stereotypes, and prejudices.
"But this is a lot to try to get done while passing mashed potatoes, so we've also got to be humble in what we can expect to achieve."
Recognise when keeping the peace isn't the best option
There are some situations where choosing to stay silent is "not appropriate", Mr Dean said.
"If, for example, a family member makes a racist remark about your partner - that is something where it is very, very important [to say something]," he said.
"Somebody who's an outsider to a family may feel like they're on the back foot; they don't have the same kind of authority in that space to be able to defend themselves."
Mr Dean said while it's still important to try to maintain a relationship with the person, preventing harm will sometimes trump that.
"If for example, there is a very toxic individual who for whatever reason is causing genuine harm to people in that space, I think it can be appropriate to disengage, it can be appropriate to socially isolate that individual, or for you to just remove yourself from that space, and to protect those who are vulnerable," he said.
Consider family therapy
If your relative doesn't respond well to their views being challenged and you've reached an impasse, Dr Shaw recommends considering family therapy.
She said it can be "extraordinarily valuable" in helping to clear the air.
"It doesn't have to be a big thing. You might just have a one-off session to say, 'I want to help come to grips with this in a place where somebody can help us find a way through these conversations because this relationship is really important to me'," she said.
But sometimes you may reach a point where you realise you're not getting anything positive out of the relationship and it’s healthier for you to just cut ties with the person, Dr Shaw said.
"It depends whether the views are so pervasive or play out in such an all-encompassing way that the relationship itself becomes untenable," she said.
"So say they've got an issue with being gay, and you've come out as gay and they make it a really big deal every time you're there, and they won't accept your partners, then that obviously, is going to become untenable."
