This week, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull bravely yielded to the right wing of his party, and introduced a bill to Parliament that will bully queer kids set up a plebiscite to determine the future of same-sex marriage in Australia. This extravagant democratic exercise in futility will cost us $158 million (and probably a lot more, including approximately $20 million dollars in mental health care for the LGBTI community), and be about as binding as Donald Trump’s wedding vows.
Given that a 2014 survey showed that 62% of Australians support marriage equality, and the curious absence of public input when then-Prime Minister John Howard changed the Marriage Act to exclude queer couples, we could simply enact legislation for a tenth the price, usher in marriage equality for all, and put that plebiscite money towards answering the real questions that plague our society.
Potato cakes or scallops?
There is no greater battle line in Australia than the war over the correct name for a deep-fried disc of potato-derived…stuff. A 2014 skirmish escalated so quickly, we nearly needed another plebiscite on conscription to fight the good fight.
Source: The Feed
By putting it to a public vote, we can resolve once and for all this bitter linguistic battle, and save Sydneysiders from getting embarrassed when they visit a fish-and-chip shop in Brunswick. That peace of mind isn’t quite worth the $158 million price tag, but at least this debate won’t involve $7.5 million in Government funding given to anti-scollop groups so they can bully those with the highest rate of suicidality of any population in Australia.
Peter Dutton’s next home — Manus or Nauru?
As both the Minister for Immigration and the human form of a dog being asked to solve an algebra equation, we can all agree that Peter Dutton has been doing a spectacular job, and deserves a long, long vacation far away from the pressures of public life.
Thankfully, the Australian Government has spent literally billions of dollars maintaining two perfect getaway destinations. The Australian public will get to decide for him: will we send him to the beachfront gulag on Manus Island, or to the guano-mining tropical paradise of Nauru? Choose wisely, Australia, as either of these human rights abuser dream destinations could be shut down by the UN at any time.
Source: SBS
Required to surrender his mobile phone and other possessions on arrival, Dutton can rest easy in his new tarpaulin knowing that no pesky media types can , or . Sadly, the vacation won’t be permanent, but it could take a while to process his application to settle on the Australian mainland. Better take a good book, Pete!
Should you open that trap door?
Source: Supplied
OBVIOUSLY NOT, WHY WOULD WE EVEN NEED TO VOTE ABOUT THAT? There’s things down there; creepy crawly slimy things that stick onto your skin! You’re a fool if you dare!
Don’t worry, though, Bill Leak is already drawing a cartoon about how people who don’t want you to open the trap door are just gay Nazi baboons in a world where political correctness has gone mad! Thank God he’s around to provide some respectful debate on the issue.
Benedict Cumberbatch — Attractive, or Funny-Looking?
This human Rorschach Test has been confounding us for years; is he staggeringly handsome, or does he look like bits of his face were hurriedly put back in the wrong place? He somehow seems to change between both states right before your eyes, like a human version of The Dress.
Even our brightest scientific minds can’t reach a consensus on this, so it’s only sensible we spend hundreds of millions of dollars organising a public vote, one which will only serve to make one British actor very self-conscious for a few months. Then at least a plebiscite will have actually done something.
Source: Getty
Am I a homophobe for not wanting queer people to marry each other?
⃞ Yep, you are.
⃞ For sure.
⃞ Definitely.
Am I a homophone for not wanting queer people to marry each other?
⃞ I think you’ve made a typo, but probably, yes.
⃞ Only if you are a word that is spelled differently but pronounced in the same way as another word, and also are weirdly concerned with the weddings of complete strangers.
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Joel Turner is a writer and podcaster from Melbourne. He also writes for FasterLouder, and his podcast is called Highly Recommended For You,
